A Friend in Need

Prompt: Finish this sentence: “My closest friend is…”

My closest friend is someone I’m no longer comfortable relying on, which sucks, but I like to think I’m progressing.

Quarantine Revelations:Toxicity

With the way things are right now I don’t really see a point in talking about my personal day to day. I mean, plenty of us are experiencing variations of the same thing, so what more can I possibly add. Right?

For instance, in my case there are only three important (if we can even call them that) points: I was put on a ‘work from home’ order two week ago after returning from Washington state; with budget cuts I’m now working part time; everyone will be moving out of my home in a few weeks.

See my point? None of that is very worth noting aside from my privilege/luck of having a boss who fought and succeeded in keeping me employed (thank you *****!).


With all that out of the way I wanted to talk about something I’ve come to realize in these times of deep “self reflection” or what I like to call: I now have no distraction from self reflection and over thinking. So, what is this thing I’ve discovered about myself? Well, I’m pretty sure I’m a toxic friend and it’s put me in a position where I think maybe all this social distancing would do me good in kind of stepping away from things and out of tropes…if that makes sense?

I guess given all the added stress on everyone right now I’d rather not add unnecessary fuel to the fire.

If you’re wondering how I know I’m a toxic friend; such as if I was told in some way or snooped or something… I suppose the answer is no. It’s more: I was having a conversation with a friend about an issue we had and certain verbiage they used kind of struck a cord in me. Think of a light bulb moment, but instead of discovering Shirokuma Cafe you get hit with a wave of ‘I really must be trash‘ & ‘I’m surprised they haven’t chucked me‘.


On a completely unrelated note I was told I may or may not be adjusting well to quarantine and lack of human contact. Do I agree with this? No idea. I’ve been viewing it as a lesser issue in the grand scheme of everything happening right now. Is this the best stance to take? Who knows.

Anyway, this was my attempt at articulating my current thoughts and feelings in a way which hopefully made sense. I went back and forth on how to possibly close out the post for a while, but I think I’m going to have to just end it here.

Yackety-Yak: Bad Friendship

Do you think you’re a good friend?

Um…is there something we need to talk about?

What? No. I’m not talking about ‘us’ specifically. I mean in general.

Oh…then I’d say…sixty-forty, maybe?

That low?

I guess? I mean, the way I think about it is: I know I’m in friendships that aren’t healthy and I know I should leave, but I don’t because of whatever reason. I think it’s also something where we all have to accept that there’ll always be times when we’re being the toxic person- even if it’s reactionary because that shows there’s something going on there.

So you think you’re a good friend a little over half the time.

Well, I’m always going to be extremely critical of myself obviously. Plus I know when it comes to certain friends, I’m hypersensitive to my actions and theirs which also isn’t ideal.

Hm…Am I one of those friends?

Ha! No. You aren’t one of them.

Okay, cool. Because for a second I was worried I was being a bad friend.

Do you think you’re a bad friend?

All the time.

Why?

I just feel like I’m constantly negative; a shadow of darkness in the corner, and am only kept around out of obligation. Basically.

And you feel like that for everyone?

Not everyone. Just a few specific people, I guess.

Hmm…maybe we should talk to our people and clarify some stuff.

Like whether we’re actually bad friends or just being insecure?

Aaand how the problem might be coming from more than one side of the friendship…

Oh.

It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing. I think sometimes we forget friends can honestly outgrow each other. You might link up in the future…you might not. We carry on.