Yackety-Yak: Supporting Role

Sometimes I think I’m an asshole.

I mean, if you’re asking then the answer is yes. Everyone is an asshole sometimes.

Maybe, but this situation is different.

Oh? Do tell.

…Do you ever feel like you aren’t the main character in your story?

Um…I might need you to explain that a little more.

Okay, so it’s like this this: I feel like I’m a supporting character in my own story. My stuff tends to sit on the back burner for someone else’s to take the forefront.

And is this for everyone…?

Mainly one person, I guess.

Okay…So you’re prioritizing another person above yourself? Because that’s normal in variations.

Um- yes and no. It’s like I consider their events more important…than mine? And I feel compelled to do what I can to help because I care for them, but then after the fact it’s like I’m just the remainder.

Ah. You’re consumed, basically.

I guess so? I just feel like I can cover my base stuff usually pretty easily and I want to be there for them.

Sounds to me like you know you can cover your base responsibilities with a certain level of effort and then you’re putting the rest into this other person-

But those base responsibilities don’t really require a lot in my opinion.

It doesn’t matter. If you’re letting all of your excess effort go into another person then you are a supporting character in your own life. It’s one thing to care for someone, but it’s an entirely different thing if it’s to your detriment. I mean, is this even being returned?

I’d say sporadically…?

There’s a good chance it’s because they’re treating themselves like the main character in their lives OR are at least prioritizing themselves above you- neither of which are bad things. Everyone has to prioritize themselves at varying rates for their situation and that includes you as well as me.

But-

Listen, I’m not saying to cut them out of your lives or something drastic here. All I’m saying is to maybe be less consumed with this person and focus more on yourself. Imagine what you could do if you took even forty percent of that effort and applied it to you or even other people?

Yeah, but whenever I start to go down that general line of thinking I start to feel like an asshole; as if it implies I’m keeping score or not doing things genuinely.

…Do you think this has anything to do with your friend’s death three years ago?

Disagreements

It’s very rare my mom and I have a disagreement. Maybe once every one to three years we have a blow out, then after a few days we reconcile. Since our last blow out; at least two years ago now, I made an effort to not bottle things up and effectively voice my opinions with her without freaking out- specifically if she threw out the tried and true “you’re too sensitive” comment or some variation of it.

Now putting aside the dismissive everything about that phrase and how it makes me go from 15 to 70…I’ll get back on track.

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Unemployment: The Waiting Game

As of today I have been unemployed for 18 days.

In that time I’ve gone on two interviews; one last Wednesday and another yesterday morning. Ideally, I’ll receive a call back by the end of this week. Cynically, I’ll remain on the grind of job searching.

It’s strange. In the past my jobs always overlapped with exceptions being when I returned from abroad. This time; however, the business simply closed and I’m not sure if it makes sense to say, but: it feels like a bleak right of passage into adulthood.

Obviously, I don’t want to make it seem “rad” as if it’s a box on the ‘adulthood check list‘ or something, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve never met an adult who hadn’t been unemployed for an extended period.

Now since my current stint is pretty new/short, I want to instead highlight a conversation had with a friend. Turns out she’d been unemployed for six months, found a job, and was then fired a month and a half into it. She explained how she began to feel useless because she wasn’t ‘contributing to society’ and fell into a depression. Being fired was understandably a huge blow after everything and it had taken a lot for her to get to a good place again. Even with all the self progress though, there was still the looming knowledge of her savings running low and her still being unemployed.

So what do you do in that situation? I’m sure there are countless different answers and thankfully she wasn’t asking for advice.

Listening to her purge frustrations and feelings helped put a lot in perspective for me. Truthfully, there was a small voice in the back of my mind asking: is this where I’m headed in the long run? But mainly it reinforced the reality of what a fortunate spot I’m in with my current living situation.

Do I feel like a loser because I’m not working? Yes, but I’m luckily in a spot where I can wait for a job of equal or higher value to my last position. So long as I’m doing my due diligence in applying to jobs and going to interviews then I should be content…right?

Side Note: There’s this other voice in my head saying, “if you really need a job then get a lower paying one. get a part time one.” and I’m torn.

Unplanned Vacation turned Stress Pot

It has been SIX days since I last worked.

At first it was awesome to get a break from work considering our next official day off wasn’t going to be until Memorial Day (27th of May). I tell you, I was over the moon when I woke up and read that text saying the building was out of working order. It gave me the chance to unwind, start a new show, work on the site, start writing again, finish my EPIK application… I even got my nails done today and I haven’t done that in probably a year? Maybe longer?

Anyway, this vacation has been all well and good, but since day three there’s been one thing on my mind:

I’m probably not getting paid for this. In fact, I’m definitely not getting paid for this.

Luckily I still live at home, so I’m not stressing over rent or anything like that. My credit card is paid off so I’m enjoying a $0 balance right now and I know for sure I have enough to cover my phone bill…I have to admit it’s times like this when I’m so glad/grateful I was able to pay the first six months of my car insurance upfront.

I guess now that I’ve written it all down the main things I’m worried about are being able to reach my savings goals/not having to dip into my savings and that the company I work for might shut down permanently. And I know the answer is to just start looking for another job once I know for sure, but let’s be real: I was super lucky to get hired right out of college and I’m not sure if I’m trying to test that again.

…In other news, my boss text me today to see if I would do some work from home tomorrow and that means I. AM. BACK IN THE GAME.

(all from the comfort of my own home and pajamas)