Tag: original tumblr blog

sleepless nights

Tonight is the second night I’ve cried instead of slept. It’s becoming this cycle where I can be happy with my friends, at work, and even at school- but once I’m home I just…can’t keep it up. My mom even made a comment earlier tonight about how I seemed irritated and my response was just, “I always seem irritated.”

Where it stems from is something I know people will call trivial. After all, I graduate college in spring, have a roof over my head, a car, two loving parents, friends, a very spoiled cat, two dogs…there shouldn’t be any complaints. I should be happy all the time, right? If I’m not I’m suddenly this ungrateful spoiled brat, right?

It’s funny to say out loud, but I honestly wonder if I’m sinking into depression. The suicidal thoughts have been hiding just below the surface since 2015 when I was first assaulted. Since then it’s been like a wave with highs a lows and just when I think the high is permanent- it crashes back down just like a true wave.

I prefer to keep things to myself. I find it better that way and I don’t mean to be selfish when it comes to that. I like to give off the idea that I have it together most of the time or more aptly put: “cannot be sunk”. The truth is that everyone can sink and it’s just a part of life. Still, I do my damnedest in part because I don’t want to be a sob story and because I like being the rock for those I care about…and when you’re the rock you have to keep standing no matter what.

Anyway, it’s almost been two years since the incident and I feel like I’ve gone backwards instead of forewords. Part of it was expected after the second assault over the summer, but I guess I hoped I was stronger than I am. My decisions in my personal life are becoming more rash and I can see it even as I make them. It’s all an attempt to try and prove to myself I’m not “damaged goods” through a guy who’s honestly probably tired of my shit by now.

The truth is I can’t try to use someone else to pull myself out of that mindset because at the end of the day I see myself as damaged no matter what. There was a time I would put on makeup to try and hide my flaws, but also as a sort of mask between myself and the world. Nowadays I don’t even do that because that would require looking in the mirror. 

O.P. 28 September 2017

Road Tripping to the Wedding

You know when you decide to do something which doesn’t seem all that significant, yet somehow turns into a milestone towards adulthood? Probably not with the vague description I gave.

Let me explain.

A cousin of mine is having a wedding in Virginia on Saturday and in a stroke of luck I managed to finagle things so I won’t start training until Tuesday. Since I haven’t had a chance to visit my family in a long while I thought I’d use the week to stop in the two main cities where they live on the way to Virginia.

Seems like a pretty sweet and grand idea, right?

Well, right now I’m still in the second city and let’s just say I’ve learned quite a bit about myself.

Now the drive to the first city is one I’ve done before and wasn’t particularly fazed by. It was the night I spent in first city that did it thanks to a couple things happening. The first was a call from the guy I’m talking to. Was the call very long or in depth? No. On the contrary, the guy I’m involved with is quite dry, but it was the first time he’s ever called and even though it was a bit awkward…it meant a lot to me (mainly because I’d given up hope it would ever happen). The second thing to happen was a nightmare involving an ex.

You see, a while ago I was in a relationship that went off the rails to say the least. It became emotionally abusive, there were threats, and in the end a bit of a stalking situation. Before things officially ceased; however, he moved to a city not far from the first I was visiting. This was the first time I’d driven to the area on my own and the anxiety seemed to manifest itself in my dreams. All I remember of the dream was hearing his voice…replaying things he’d said in the past…some were even harmless things the guy I’m talking to now also happens to say…Regardless I woke with a bad taste in my mouth.

I’m the type who believes we shouldn’t let another person impact our life in such a way and while I was proud I made the drive fully at ease…to have those negative feelings sneak up in my sleep was a stark reminder of just how much he’d affected me. I even had a moment of doubt towards the current guy I’m talking to when his good morning text was too similar to my ex’s the following day. Thankfully, I moved past that rather quickly.

The drive to the second city was an entirely different beast all together. I’d never done the drive on my own before and in a split second I decided to start the seven-hour drive around 9 p.m. Seven hours on the same road with absolutely nothing going on around me. It was a rough ride. I was falling asleep; my butt hurt…I ended up calling my father to harass him and after the guy I’m talking to finished hanging out with his friends- he even called me too. In the end, I managed to make it without having to stop and take a nap because I don’t even know why. The best part?

I get to make the 8 hour drive to Virginia tonight.  

O.P. 18 August 2017

How to Get from Dublin to Miami (like the pro you are)

a) arrive at the terminal around 4:30 a.m. to retrieve your passport

b) find out you can’t retrieve your passport until 8:15ish since your flight isn’t until 11:40

c) sit in the airport questioning your every decision

d) take a nap

e) wake up to find none of your stuff has been stolen and you really have to pee

f) go back to sleep, so you don’t have to worry about needing to pee

g) wake up around 8:00 (without the alarm) and call immigration

h) retrieve your passport from the friendly lady in immigration who let’s you know, “You could come back next week if you wanted”

i) go to the other terminal to check in for your flight and find a large line

j) wait in said line for an hour watching Bob’s Burgers

k) find out one of your bags is overweight and throw stuff into your carry on which still puts you 2.7 kg over

l) dance inwardly when the check in lady only charges you for 2 kg

m) reorganize your carry on so your laptop is padded for the gods and queue for the security check

n) breeze through security and FINALLY go to the bathroom around 10

o) buy a salmon bagel since you haven’t eaten yet

p) wait for the plane to board and pass out almost immediately after take off

q) wake up in Iceland!!!

r) go to the cleanest bathroom you’ve ever been graced to use in your life

s) kill four hours via Netflix, Board Kings, emails, messaging friends

t) wait in line to board

u) take a bus to the plane and then board via stairs like an old school movie star

v) survive an eight hour flight with mild motion sickness on the landing

w) book it to immigration and declare a ham and cheese baguette you bought on the flight

x) get led to a separate area from the rest of the passengers to get your luggage and wait ages for your luggage to come through

y) go through the secondary agricultural baggage check to review the baguette situation

z) meet your aunt outside and go home

**did you know ham from Ireland is not allowed into the U.S., but ham from Iceland is? no. i bet you didn’t. 

O.P. 5 August 2017

Perpetual Bridesmaid

I have a problem where I get overly invested in people (particularly men), then I end up coming on too strong or just messing up in general which leaves me right where I started: a perpetual bridesmaid.

Now ‘Perpetual Bridesmaid’ is a title I’ve sort of given myself lately. When I first started using it, it was a way to make light of my mounting insecurities in the dating realm. My attempt at self-deprecating humor, ladies and gents. I know I already tapped into physical insecurities in a prior post, so I’m going to bypass straight into personality flaws (hooray).

I don’t know if it’s just me, but sometimes I catch myself trying to be ‘perfect’ when I’m with someone. Should I be doing that? Of course, not. It just screams Bad News Bears. Still, I catch myself falling into the habit. I guess the truth is:

I don’t think I can attract a man on anything besides looks and with that in mind it’s easier to just try and mold myself a bit to their preferences… 

YES, I KNOW IT’S BAD. I’M GETTING TO THE BETTER PART. RELAX. 

Anyway, instead of using this title to playfully hide my fears, now it’s not even something I say anymore. It’s simply just a thought. A thought that peps me up and it made the jump in the blink of an eye.

I was commuting home from work and passed at least five adorable couples who looked like they’d been ripped right off the silver screen. I immediately had two lines of thought: 

“Awe, I wish I had something like that…Too bad I’m doomed to be perpetually single…” & “I wonder how many bridesmaids dresses I can collect? 27 is the number to beat.” 

Just like that it felt as if the dark cloud so casually perched above me faded away.

Side note: I’d been starting to feel down because I felt the guy I was beginning to have feelings for had decided I wasn’t worth it anymore.  

With the cloud gone; however, I suddenly didn’t have any negative thoughts weighing on me about my status. Would he decide I’m not worth it? Maybe. Will I never get married? Maybe. Do bridesmaids always have the funniest tag lines in the movies? Yep. 

O.P 22 July 2017

Insecurities? Eh…70/30

I think it’s safe to say no one is 100% satisfied with themselves.

This isn’t to say there aren’t people who are happy with their appearance or behavior, but it’s our curse to unnecessarily scrutinize every little potential fault. Whether we come to love our flaws is a case by case basis and everyone has something they fixate on.

For me it’s everything above my neck- save my eyes.

I’ve had bad skin for as long as I can remember and I’ve tried just about everything I can to temper it. Some months are better than others and every time I think I’ve FINALLY cracked the code, my skin just goes: HA! That was cute! Havin’ a laugh?

Thus the battle rages on as I continue to try and figure out how to manage my ghastly skin. Truthfully I’m aware I’ll never have perfect, glowing skin. My skin tone is particularly susceptible to scarring and discoloration- something I never really noticed until my skin started to clear. I always held the idea I would be happy once my acne cleared and I still do. Scarring and discoloration can fade with time and given how obsessed I am with beauty products, it gives me the perfect excuse to pamper myself! [not that I needed one] Still, there’s always the chance I’ll become obsessed with clearing my dark marks, but I really hope it doesn’t reach the level of insecurity I have with acne. Confidence is something I love to see in others and it can definitely be said I’m more of a “do as I say” versus “do as I do” person when it comes to it- although I have noticed that turning around.

I used to be the person who was confident in front of people I knew in an attempt to pave the way for them to be more confident. I think there’s something to “faking it ‘till you make it” because it definitely did help create my base level of confidence. A base that’s since grown as I’ve grown. I still have insecurities obviously, but at the end of the day we’ve got what we’ve got. Do I think I have a pretty face? Not really. Other people do though and whether they’re just saying it to be nice or not…that’s fine. There’s always someone who’s going to be drawn to things you don’t see as good about yourself- whether it’s for the right reasons is a conversation for another day.

Anyway, this went off course and now I don’t know how to finish it.

O.P. 21 July 2017

Saying Goodbye

This is a re-post from a blog I had three years ago.

I was a bit torn on whether I wanted to post it or not, but it’s been a year to the day and it’s a time for reflection. 

Read More

The Bucket List

Today I watched a movie I haven’t had the pleasure of watching in ages; you might have guessed it- The Bucket List. 

It’s one of those movies that seems like everyone saw it at least once and then never watched again. Well, I recommend watching it again. Especially if you’re anything like me and death is one of those things you try your best not to think about.

After watching it again I realized a few things really stood out to me.

The first was the scene when Carter (Morgan Freeman) is told his diagnosis and thinks: “There was a survey once. A thousand people were asked if they could know in advance would they want to know the exact day of their death. 96% of them said no. I always kind of leaned towards the other 4%. I thought it would be liberating, knowing how much time you had left to work with. It turns out, it’s not.”  – (cue the Morgan Freeman voice).

I’m definitely the kind of person who leans towards the 96% and that scene emulates exactly why. As someone who loves to plan there’s always that desire to know your time limits, but that’s a limit from which you just can’t escape. Knowing the day would be soul crushing and then there’s the pressure because the clock it now literally ticking down…

I know that’s a morbid take on it, but it’s a morbid topic guys!

Now if there’s one thing I’ll give this movie, it’s the way in which is handles death. In the past there was only one movie that tackled death in a way I could handle: Never Let Me Go. While that movie will always have a special place in my heart (and I highly recommend it to ANYONE)- The Bucket List definitely confronts it in a much more ‘heads on’ way. When I was younger I don’t think it really resonated because I didn’t think about death and by the time I saw Never Let Me Go I’d easily forgotten all about The Bucket List. Watching it now as an adult though, I definitely have an appreciation for it. Especially this quip.  

Edward Cole: I envy people who have faith, I just can’t wrap my head around it.

Carter Chambers: Maybe because your head’s in the way.

I’m not someone who has a faith or follows a religion. I’m not even spiritual. By all accounts I’m definitely Edward in this scene- and probably most of the movie to be fair, but especially during this part. Why? Because I do envy those who have faith and it’s something I just can’t seem to manage myself. I’m just…here. If we were to break it down it’s probably because I over think things or as Carter said; “my head’s in the way”.

Another thing I enjoyed was how Carter brought other faiths into the mix. Like most people, I generally only ever really think of that sort of stuff in the frame of the current big religions since those are ones I hear about the most in my day to day. So, when Carter brought up the ancient Egyptian approach to death I was pleasantly surprised. I used to be really into ancient Egypt. In fact, I’m sure I have some books still lying around, but I didn’t remember that tidbit and I find it very…I guess beautiful.

You know, the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death. When their souls got to the entrance to heaven, the guards asked two questions. Their answers determined whether they were able to enter or not. ‘Have you found joy in your life?’ ‘Has your life brought joy to others?’ – (cue the Morgan Freeman voice again).

Those are the questions that resurface at the end of the movie; ‘Have you found joy in your life?’ and ‘Has your life brought joy to others?’. In a way I think that’s all I can strive for really. I like to make others happy and I also want to be happy. What else is there to achieve, right? Well, specifically I think what I want the most is to have been able to make an impact on someone’s life the same way Carter did for Edward. Hopefully the other two will naturally follow…

This is one of those movies that manages to make me laugh and at the end has my eyes watering. In the past I’d never admit to a movie making me teary eyed, but as I’ve gotten older the whole “acting stone cold in order to appear strong” bit doesn’t cut it for me anymore. I’d rather openly be me because in a lot of cases I find not forcing yourself into a mold takes a lot more effort.

With all this being said I think I will create a bucket list and possibly post it that way I’ll have it in a specific place and can update it as I find more things I really want to do. Will the Himalayas be on this list? Hahaha- no. Have you guys seen the movie Everest? If not, I’d look up the story of what happened. SO, unless I can climb a different part…I’ll pass on that adventure for now. 

O.P. 16 January 2018