Cosplay: Maybe next year?

It’s been over a year and a half since I stepped back into the world of cosplay and after finally getting the ball rolling on a convention in December…I found out I won’t be able to go.

I was super excited and had even commissioned a cosplay and everything, but oh well. What can you do, right? There’s always next year and then I’ll be able to see the local scene when it starts up.

Since we’ve relocated it’s been a bit of an up and down wave for finding hobbies- especially outside the house. I don’t want anyone to think I’m in a funk though. My certification course has added some variety to my days and my partner has been finding new spots to explore on weekends.

Still no luck meeting people yet, but I’m looking forward to next year’s cosplay conventions (if all is well enough for them to happen).

My cosplay did arrived earlier this month though…so I might take a few photos to showcase it just in time for Halloween.

Artist: oshtu

Why the Sexualization?

It’s an unfortunate thing to have simple actions sexualized: especially when it’s those close to you who are doing it.

Now I understand teasing among friends, but there comes a point when it’s a little…much. In my instance, it started when I made a comment how one of my bros wanted me to teach him to swim.

The fact that we agreed to this in December was just poor planning on both of our parts.

Well this somehow became ‘interesting’ since I was going to be in a bathing suit, it was going to be cold; and there was even a comment on how he was probably looking for a way to stay warm.

At first I was thrown off, but then just said there was nothing ‘interesting’ going on. I met the guy this semester and we formed a study group to get through a challenging class. He’d asked if I’d teach him to swim earlier in the semester when he found out I had a pool and I’d said, “Sure”. He’d even planned for another member to join, but they had to take their grandparents to the airport, so they couldn’t come.

Now after the comment was made about ‘staying warm’, I said I was going to go since they were making it awkward and I really wasn’t going for that angle with this guy. They tried to keep the conversation going a bit, but after they said I’d ‘spoiled their fun’ I just changed the topic entirely. And things were fine.

It wasn’t until later that it really began to sink in for me. I’d been straightforward about nothing going on in the beginning and yet they’d kept at it. In the past I don’t think this would’ve bothered me as much, but after everything I’ve been through in the past two years…I think I’m just over it.

It’s like I can’t even have male friends without there being some sort of ‘angle’ where I’m either trying to get with them or they’re trying to get with me. And honestly, it’s mainly my girl friends who do it. My guy friends are pretty lax and get we’re just bros. What probably hit me the hardest was how she’s a victim of assault just like I am, so I guess I thought given the knowledge of my second attack over the summer…she wouldn’t have continued down that route after I’d made it clear the first time?

I used to have a complex when I was younger about how I was constantly praised for my body and therefore must not be the ‘pretty’ or ‘beautiful’ type- just the ‘sexy’ type. After my first assault it seemed the prophecy was right and I fell down a bit of a rabbit hole. I thought I’d found my way back again and then had another incident- this time far worse than the first. It’s been about six months since and I’m happy to say I’ve made some pretty good headway. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t view myself as a sexual object anymore, I’m opening up to friendships, and I’ve put work into myself. This progress has led me to a point where I guess I’m just not about getting typecast into old tropes anymore.  

Learning to let go of old standards we hold for a person can be a hard thing to do; I know I’m guilty of it for sure, but I’m definitely going to reevaluate how I view people as opposed to the person they’re becoming. We all change as we age- no one stays the same forever and it’s something we have to accept just like we accept it in ourselves.  This is especially true for the people we care about because if we really care then we’d  try to help them become their best self.

This has gone beyond off topic, so I’m going to end it here. If you made it this far though, then congrats because you did it! You made it!

For follow up I’ll just add I did not end up teaching him to swim today because it’s DECEMBER and the water is unacceptable. So, we decided to reschedule for when it’s warm again.

And while the conversation I had may not of had anything to do with old standards…that’s what it ultimately reminded me of and where this cluster of a post went.

I’ll try to keep it more together next time, guys.

O.P 14 December 2017

Impromptu Talk with Mom: Future & Relationships

The other night I had a conversation with my mom about the future and relationships. What kicked it off was me asking what she thought of my boyfriend. Her response was along the lines of : if he’s in the same spot six months from now then he’ll just be another chapter in your life

A bit harsh, right? 

My mom is very adamant about living the life you want- specifically standard of living and desire to travel. She’s worked extremely hard to achieve what she has and wants my potential life partner (we’re both not sold on marriage) to have goals that align with mine. In short: she’s against carrying someone through life unless it’s your children; and even then there’s an expiration date.

I don’t necessarily disagree with her because we both have the unfortunate habit of spending money on the people we want in our lives. In fact, it’s because I still live with her that I was able to begin cutting down on it so early in life. 

Never underestimate the power of watching your habits in real time with a glimpse into the future- it starts making you look at your relationships a LOT more objectively a LOT faster

Anyway, it’s weird because I’m entering that phase in life where older relatives are starting to look at the people I date in terms of longevity. Will they make a good husband/life partner? Are they financially stable? Do they have their shit together? Will they make a good addition to the family? Meanwhile the farthest my mind goes is the possibility of vacationing together and moving in. Anything in the sphere of marriage/life partners/etc. isn’t even on my radar. Financial stability is, but not in the sense of “will they be able to take care of me?“. Instead it’s more like, “will they be able to go with me places and support themselves?” a.k.a. “can they pay to come on the trip or would I need to pay for them?“.

Part of me wonders if I should start looking at it all more seriously, but then I have to remind myself that age aside I don’t need to be so focused on that level of a relationship. Right now I’m more focused on my personal goals and the way I see it; either the person I’m with and I will naturally (or consciously) make the decision to go in the same direction OR we’ll naturally/consciously split off.

I mean, I don’t even want a house. I’m indifferent to marriage. I don’t want kids…What a life partner would mean to me probably varies considerably from not only what those relatives of mine are thinking, but even a lot of my friends and that’s fine because it’s not their “hypothetical future relationship”. 

Plus the family I see most often is generally pretty lax soooo: hooray for family that lets you do you even if they might not get it!

Photo by Prince Akachi on Unsplash

A Domestic Birthday: 23

This week I turned twenty-three. I know it’s not a super special year by most standards, but for me this was one I’d been looking forward to for a while.

Which is why I was surprised when someone had to remind me it was a day away!

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Motor Vehicles: an unfortunate expense

Can I just say that cars are really a pain in the ass from a consumer perspective- specifically mine?

I waited until I was 18 to get my license and I did it for three reasons: (1) I was lucky enough to be able to get by without it, (3) I didn’t feel like driving, and (2) I didn’t want the expense. Now that I’m 22 I realize my high school self was all. too. right.

I know cars can be useful, but I really am a fan of public transportation. Ever since I spent a semester in London I just feel like it’s ruined cars for me. I drive because I live in a part of Florida where public transit is relatively nonexistent (not that we’re known for it to begin with).

My goal is to relocate to a city where I can sell my car and no longer worry about it. In the past month I’ve had to drop a good chunk of cash on fixing it and then last week my SERVICE LIGHT came on. That’s right. The SERVICE LIGHT CAME ON after I’d JUST taken it in!

How much is it going to cost? Who knows? I don’t know what wrong with it yet, so I’m mentally prepping for a ‘worst case amount’. Why? Because then I can budget for it and hopefully it won’t cost as much I think…of course there’s the chance it might cost more, but I refuse to think about that right now, okay?

Alright. Enough ranting about cars before mine decides to die when I still have another year before I’ll be ready to ship off to grad school. >_>

On another note: if I were to go into a trade I’d hands down go into car repair

Photo by Maksym Kaharlytskyi on Unsplash

Complex Be Gone-ish!

After chatting with a friend the other day, I realized something: my “sexy” complex has faded away and I didn’t even notice.

You see, in the past I used to only see myself as the sexy one. I could never be cute or beautiful– just one who generally looked good in revealing clothes (face not included). This image probably started around eighth grade when I was leaving the “is that a girl?” stage until some point in university, I think.

And yes, someone said that about me when I was somewhere between second and fourth grade.

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It can’t be just me: Fear of Failure

To start off; I’m pretty sure it’s not just me. BUT if you know someone or are the someone who never fears failure then congratulations and let’s hang out (maybe you’ll rub off on me).


So this is one of those things I’ve been wrangling with for ages now and the main reason it’s taken until now for me actually post on here. Anytime I would start a draft, two thought would pop up: What if no one likes it? & What if I fail?

On Tumblr it was one thing, but on here it somehow feels….more exposed? Maybe more adult, even? I don’t really know how to explain it.

There are things I want to write about. Things I’m in the middle of doing and working on. Things that might actually be interesting and yet, there’s still that lingering fear of

What if I write about it and then fail or it doesn’t work out?

Of course, the answer is to just keep on grooving to the next thing just like in real life. Normally I’m very set in that mindset and try not to let the present bog me down, but when it comes to writing it suddenly feels weird. I mean, in real life no one’s perfect, not everything works out and that’s okay. We make some adjustments and keep chugging along.

For me, when I first pushed past that barrier it was like a huge weight has been lifted. That silent pressure which can be so inhibiting suddenly lessened considerably (obviously it didn’t completely go away or I wouldn’t be writing this). Now this isn’t to say I’m lackadaisical in the things I do. I just think that striving for success and fearing failure don’t need to be mutually exclusive. I find it better to still strive for success while understanding if it doesn’t work out or I fail, then that’s okay because I did what I could.

I guess in short: If a fear of failure is hindering me to the point where I keep putting something off (like this), then I try my best to hone the same energy I put in other things I do.

So what does it mean for the site?

I’d rather be genuine than force myself to try and be perfect, ultimately fail anyway, and then act shook when it all blows up my face. Sooo this might get interesting.

Photo by Nik MacMillan on Unsplash