What comes to mind when I say ‘romanticize your life’?
When you say it? Nothing.
Ask a silly question and you get a silly answer.
Why? What comes to mind for you?
Honestly? Slice of Life manga and anime.
…I guess I can understand that.
Sure. I mean, slice of life- or at least what you send me, is pretty easy going with comedy and a dash of romance. Even the sadder ones have a strangely idyllic feel, so yeah- I get it.
Do you romanticize your life then?
I do now. I didn’t used to though.
I started feeling bogged down with my day to day and didn’t want to become a stereotypical ‘cog in a machine’ who wakes up in twenty years and realizes they were miserable the whole time.
So how did you change it?
I started actively relishing in things that brought me joy like picking out a cute outfit, indulging in skin care, eating my favorite things…just small stuff to start.
…And would you say it’s working?
You know…I would.
Good to know.
Tonight is the second night I’ve cried instead of slept. It’s becoming this cycle where I can be happy with my friends, at work, and even at school- but once I’m home I just…can’t keep it up. My mom even made a comment earlier tonight about how I seemed irritated and my response was just, “I always seem irritated.”
Where it stems from is something I know people will call trivial. After all, I graduate college in spring, have a roof over my head, a car, two loving parents, friends, a very spoiled cat, two dogs…there shouldn’t be any complaints. I should be happy all the time, right? If I’m not I’m suddenly this ungrateful spoiled brat, right?
It’s funny to say out loud, but I honestly wonder if I’m sinking into depression. The suicidal thoughts have been hiding just below the surface since 2015 when I was first assaulted. Since then it’s been like a wave with highs a lows and just when I think the high is permanent- it crashes back down just like a true wave.
I prefer to keep things to myself. I find it better that way and I don’t mean to be selfish when it comes to that. I like to give off the idea that I have it together most of the time or more aptly put: “cannot be sunk”. The truth is that everyone can sink and it’s just a part of life. Still, I do my damnedest in part because I don’t want to be a sob story and because I like being the rock for those I care about…and when you’re the rock you have to keep standing no matter what.
Anyway, it’s almost been two years since the incident and I feel like I’ve gone backwards instead of forewords. Part of it was expected after the second assault over the summer, but I guess I hoped I was stronger than I am. My decisions in my personal life are becoming more rash and I can see it even as I make them. It’s all an attempt to try and prove to myself I’m not “damaged goods” through a guy who’s honestly probably tired of my shit by now.
The truth is I can’t try to use someone else to pull myself out of that mindset because at the end of the day I see myself as damaged no matter what. There was a time I would put on makeup to try and hide my flaws, but also as a sort of mask between myself and the world. Nowadays I don’t even do that because that would require looking in the mirror.
O.P. 28 September 2017
One week has passed since my wedding ceremony and I can honestly say…it hits different.
Did I cry? Nope. Neither myself nor my husband cried (likely because we legally wed in July). Interestingly, it wasn’t until I left my mom’s rental the following night that I got misty eyed. Something about leaving my family to head home, knowing they were flying out in the morning…everything suddenly felt cemented. There I was at twenty-six having hit all the old school “milestones of adulthood” and it was a cluster of emotions.
There was certainly joy.
I was happy so many friends and family were able to be part of it with us. I was happy people had a great time. I was happy to be culturally married- if that’s the right way to describe it. I was happy nothing went awry….
At the same time though, I was sad.
Sad in realizing the roots I’d laid down states away from family and friends were now anchored. Sad in the sense I’d closed out a life stage and was now closer to my most imminent fear- death.
Thankfully, my partner was chatting with me on the phone for most of the drive which helped keep it together.
These last several days have been a blur thanks to me going right back to work, but I’m hoping this weekend will get me back on track rest wise.
Photo by My Mother
P.S. If anyone reading this attended the wedding- I want to thank you for coming and I apologize if you experienced altitude sickness!
Prompt: When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?
Hm…it would probably be pretty recent.
While my partner and I were enjoying a private hot spring we got to talking and I expressed how now that we are legally married it feels as if I’ve hit all the stereotypical ‘milestones of adulthood’– aside from having children (
neither myself or my partner want any).
It was strange because until that moment I hadn’t consciously considered it.
On one hand it’s nice to think you’ve hit society’s goals whether or not you think they’re relevant. On another hand it served as a reminder of how I’m getting closer to the ultimate milestone- death, albeit in a roundabout process.
In a parallel train of thought it made me reflect on how I’m not really passionate about anything anymore nor do I have extremely close friendships.
Adulthood is a wild one, but the joy of being an adult is I can make changes towards the things I want.
Photo by Cloris Ying on Unsplash
Prompt: Write about a noise — or even a silence — that won’t go away. (We’ll let you interpret this in different ways…)
The first thing to come to mind when I read this prompt was The Neighborhood’s “Afraid”. Specifically the lyrics, “When I wake up, I’m afraid somebody else might take my place”…
For me it’s a silent presence. Technically in my mind, yet always feels as if it’s looming over my shoulder. It’s a constant reminder of shortcomings in friendships past and how others can decide it’s in their best interest to move forward without you.
It’s a conglomeration of anxieties and insecurities.
Over time I’ve learned to manage, but of course there are always certain people and situations which cause it to rise with full strength. I know it will never truly go away- I just hope the silence will begin to fade.
Prompt: Finish this sentence: “My closest friend is…”
My closest friend is someone I’m no longer comfortable relying on, which sucks, but I like to think I’m progressing.
With the way things are right now I don’t really see a point in talking about my personal day to day. I mean, plenty of us are experiencing variations of the same thing, so what more can I possibly add. Right?
For instance, in my case there are only three important (
if we can even call them that) points: I was put on a ‘work from home’ order two week ago after returning from Washington state; with budget cuts I’m now working part time; everyone will be moving out of my home in a few weeks.
See my point? None of that is very worth noting aside from my privilege/luck of having a boss who fought and succeeded in keeping me employed (thank you *****!).
With all that out of the way I wanted to talk about something I’ve come to realize in these times of deep “self reflection” or what I like to call: I now have no distraction from self reflection and over thinking. So, what is this thing I’ve discovered about myself? Well, I’m pretty sure I’m a toxic friend and it’s put me in a position where I think maybe all this social distancing would do me good in kind of stepping away from things and out of tropes…if that makes sense?
I guess given all the added stress on everyone right now I’d rather not add unnecessary fuel to the fire.
If you’re wondering how I know I’m a toxic friend; such as if I was told in some way or snooped or something… I suppose the answer is no. It’s more: I was having a conversation with a friend about an issue we had and certain verbiage they used kind of struck a cord in me. Think of a light bulb moment, but instead of discovering Shirokuma Cafe you get hit with a wave of ‘I really must be trash‘ & ‘I’m surprised they haven’t chucked me‘.
On a completely unrelated note I was told I may or may not be adjusting well to quarantine and lack of human contact. Do I agree with this? No idea. I’ve been viewing it as a lesser issue in the grand scheme of everything happening right now. Is this the best stance to take? Who knows.
Anyway, this was my attempt at articulating my current thoughts and feelings in a way which hopefully made sense. I went back and forth on how to possibly close out the post for a while, but I think I’m going to have to just end it here.