Tying the Knot: Looking Back

One week has passed since my wedding ceremony and I can honestly say…it hits different. 

Did I cry? Nope. Neither myself nor my husband cried (likely because we legally wed in July). Interestingly, it wasn’t until I left my mom’s rental the following night that I got misty eyed. Something about leaving my family to head home, knowing they were flying out in the morning…everything suddenly felt cemented. There I was at twenty-six having hit all the old school “milestones of adulthood” and it was a cluster of emotions. 

There was certainly joy. 

I was happy so many friends and family were able to be part of it with us. I was happy people had a great time. I was happy to be culturally married- if that’s the right way to describe it. I was happy nothing went awry…. 

At the same time though, I was sad.  

Sad in realizing the roots I’d laid down states away from family and friends were now anchored. Sad in the sense I’d closed out a life stage and was now closer to my most imminent fear- death.  

Thankfully, my partner was chatting with me on the phone for most of the drive which helped keep it together.     

These last several days have been a blur thanks to me going right back to work, but I’m hoping this weekend will get me back on track rest wise. 

Photo by My Mother

P.S. If anyone reading this attended the wedding- I want to thank you for coming and I apologize if you experienced altitude sickness!

All Grown Up

Prompt: When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

Hm…it would probably be pretty recent.

While my partner and I were enjoying a private hot spring we got to talking and I expressed how now that we are legally married it feels as if I’ve hit all the stereotypical ‘milestones of adulthood’– aside from having children (neither myself or my partner want any).

It was strange because until that moment I hadn’t consciously considered it.

On one hand it’s nice to think you’ve hit society’s goals whether or not you think they’re relevant. On another hand it served as a reminder of how I’m getting closer to the ultimate milestone- death, albeit in a roundabout process.

In a parallel train of thought it made me reflect on how I’m not really passionate about anything anymore nor do I have extremely close friendships.

Adulthood is a wild one, but the joy of being an adult is I can make changes towards the things I want.

Photo by Cloris Ying on Unsplash

A Source of Anxiety

Prompt: Write about a noise — or even a silence — that won’t go away. (We’ll let you interpret this in different ways…)

The first thing to come to mind when I read this prompt was The Neighborhood’s “Afraid”. Specifically the lyrics, “When I wake up, I’m afraid somebody else might take my place”

For me it’s a silent presence. Technically in my mind, yet always feels as if it’s looming over my shoulder. It’s a constant reminder of shortcomings in friendships past and how others can decide it’s in their best interest to move forward without you.

It’s a conglomeration of anxieties and insecurities.

Over time I’ve learned to manage, but of course there are always certain people and situations which cause it to rise with full strength. I know it will never truly go away- I just hope the silence will begin to fade.

artist: @artoshtu

A Friend in Need

Prompt: Finish this sentence: “My closest friend is…”

My closest friend is someone I’m no longer comfortable relying on, which sucks, but I like to think I’m progressing.

Quarantine Revelations:Toxicity

With the way things are right now I don’t really see a point in talking about my personal day to day. I mean, plenty of us are experiencing variations of the same thing, so what more can I possibly add. Right?

For instance, in my case there are only three important (if we can even call them that) points: I was put on a ‘work from home’ order two week ago after returning from Washington state; with budget cuts I’m now working part time; everyone will be moving out of my home in a few weeks.

See my point? None of that is very worth noting aside from my privilege/luck of having a boss who fought and succeeded in keeping me employed (thank you *****!).


With all that out of the way I wanted to talk about something I’ve come to realize in these times of deep “self reflection” or what I like to call: I now have no distraction from self reflection and over thinking. So, what is this thing I’ve discovered about myself? Well, I’m pretty sure I’m a toxic friend and it’s put me in a position where I think maybe all this social distancing would do me good in kind of stepping away from things and out of tropes…if that makes sense?

I guess given all the added stress on everyone right now I’d rather not add unnecessary fuel to the fire.

If you’re wondering how I know I’m a toxic friend; such as if I was told in some way or snooped or something… I suppose the answer is no. It’s more: I was having a conversation with a friend about an issue we had and certain verbiage they used kind of struck a cord in me. Think of a light bulb moment, but instead of discovering Shirokuma Cafe you get hit with a wave of ‘I really must be trash‘ & ‘I’m surprised they haven’t chucked me‘.


On a completely unrelated note I was told I may or may not be adjusting well to quarantine and lack of human contact. Do I agree with this? No idea. I’ve been viewing it as a lesser issue in the grand scheme of everything happening right now. Is this the best stance to take? Who knows.

Anyway, this was my attempt at articulating my current thoughts and feelings in a way which hopefully made sense. I went back and forth on how to possibly close out the post for a while, but I think I’m going to have to just end it here.

Yackety Yak: Introspection

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know myself.

How do you mean?

I don’t know. Some people know every little facet of themselves whereas I feel like…I only know the superficial top layer.

I don’t know if that’s true.

No?

No. I mean, if anything it’s everyone else who usually only knows the superficial stuff because they aren’t you, right? Even if you aren’t thoroughly analyzing every bit of yourself you still know the base and top level.

Yeah, but-

I’m not saying you’re fully conscious of the base or gray matter in between, but so long as you aren’t being detrimental to others or yourself…do you really need to be studying yourself that hard?

I guess I just wish I was more introspective? For personal growth and stuff?

So go for it. They say the better understanding we have of ourselves; the less apt we are to step into bad situations…or try to put the blame on something else afterwards, at least.

Who says that?

Just thought of it now to be honest.

Oh. Nice.

Just make sure not to get too deep in it.

In introspection? Why?

The problem with being too introspective is that it can lead to a consuming lack of perception and empathy toward others.

Oh…so like; an elevated form of being self absorbed.

Pretty much.