Tag: insecurities

A Source of Anxiety

Prompt: Write about a noise — or even a silence — that won’t go away. (We’ll let you interpret this in different ways…)

The first thing to come to mind when I read this prompt was The Neighborhood’s “Afraid”. Specifically the lyrics, “When I wake up, I’m afraid somebody else might take my place”…

For me it’s a silent presence. Technically in my mind, yet always feels as if it’s looming over my shoulder. It’s a constant reminder of shortcomings in friendships past and how others can decide it’s in their best interest to move forward without you.

It’s a conglomeration of anxieties and insecurities.

Over time I’ve learned to manage, but of course there are always certain people and situations which cause it to rise with full strength. I know it will never truly go away- I just hope the silence will begin to fade.

artist: @artoshtu

Perpetual Bridesmaid

I have a problem where I get overly invested in people (particularly men), then I end up coming on too strong or just messing up in general which leaves me right where I started: a perpetual bridesmaid.

Now ‘Perpetual Bridesmaid’ is a title I’ve sort of given myself lately. When I first started using it, it was a way to make light of my mounting insecurities in the dating realm. My attempt at self-deprecating humor, ladies and gents. I know I already tapped into physical insecurities in a prior post, so I’m going to bypass straight into personality flaws (hooray).

I don’t know if it’s just me, but sometimes I catch myself trying to be ‘perfect’ when I’m with someone. Should I be doing that? Of course, not. It just screams Bad News Bears. Still, I catch myself falling into the habit. I guess the truth is:

I don’t think I can attract a man on anything besides looks and with that in mind it’s easier to just try and mold myself a bit to their preferences… 

YES, I KNOW IT’S BAD. I’M GETTING TO THE BETTER PART. RELAX. 

Anyway, instead of using this title to playfully hide my fears, now it’s not even something I say anymore. It’s simply just a thought. A thought that peps me up and it made the jump in the blink of an eye.

I was commuting home from work and passed at least five adorable couples who looked like they’d been ripped right off the silver screen. I immediately had two lines of thought: 

“Awe, I wish I had something like that…Too bad I’m doomed to be perpetually single…” & “I wonder how many bridesmaids dresses I can collect? 27 is the number to beat.” 

Just like that it felt as if the dark cloud so casually perched above me faded away.

Side note: I’d been starting to feel down because I felt the guy I was beginning to have feelings for had decided I wasn’t worth it anymore.  

With the cloud gone; however, I suddenly didn’t have any negative thoughts weighing on me about my status. Would he decide I’m not worth it? Maybe. Will I never get married? Maybe. Do bridesmaids always have the funniest tag lines in the movies? Yep. 

O.P 22 July 2017

Insecurities? Eh…70/30

I think it’s safe to say no one is 100% satisfied with themselves.

This isn’t to say there aren’t people who are happy with their appearance or behavior, but it’s our curse to unnecessarily scrutinize every little potential fault. Whether we come to love our flaws is a case by case basis and everyone has something they fixate on.

For me it’s everything above my neck- save my eyes.

I’ve had bad skin for as long as I can remember and I’ve tried just about everything I can to temper it. Some months are better than others and every time I think I’ve FINALLY cracked the code, my skin just goes: HA! That was cute! Havin’ a laugh?

Thus the battle rages on as I continue to try and figure out how to manage my ghastly skin. Truthfully I’m aware I’ll never have perfect, glowing skin. My skin tone is particularly susceptible to scarring and discoloration- something I never really noticed until my skin started to clear. I always held the idea I would be happy once my acne cleared and I still do. Scarring and discoloration can fade with time and given how obsessed I am with beauty products, it gives me the perfect excuse to pamper myself! [not that I needed one] Still, there’s always the chance I’ll become obsessed with clearing my dark marks, but I really hope it doesn’t reach the level of insecurity I have with acne. Confidence is something I love to see in others and it can definitely be said I’m more of a “do as I say” versus “do as I do” person when it comes to it- although I have noticed that turning around.

I used to be the person who was confident in front of people I knew in an attempt to pave the way for them to be more confident. I think there’s something to “faking it ‘till you make it” because it definitely did help create my base level of confidence. A base that’s since grown as I’ve grown. I still have insecurities obviously, but at the end of the day we’ve got what we’ve got. Do I think I have a pretty face? Not really. Other people do though and whether they’re just saying it to be nice or not…that’s fine. There’s always someone who’s going to be drawn to things you don’t see as good about yourself- whether it’s for the right reasons is a conversation for another day.

Anyway, this went off course and now I don’t know how to finish it.

O.P. 21 July 2017

Yackety-Yak: Self-Criticism

Do you ever look at a conversation you’ve had and thought: ‘wow, I’m really letting them down‘?

Sure? It this a new thing for you?

I guess not? I mean, we’ve all had moments where we overthink something we’ve said and try to dissect all the possible ways it could of been interpreted. I’ve just been torn lately between wanting to talk to/be there for others as opposed to just hanging alone.

And how does this link back to your question…?

Because I-….I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I think my value as a friend is at risk? As if I might fall to the wayside and when the tide of pandemic finally washes out, I’ll be washed away too?

…Right…so you’ve become hyper-aware of your conversations and are worried you might disappoint.

Pretty much sums it up.

Well I think you need to take a deep breath and relax. Look, everyone is going through varying degrees of stress. You can’t please everyone you care about without driving yourself insane- especially if you’re focusing on it. This is a time where you’ve got to do what you need to do; and if you have people keeping score in your corner, then it might be time to clear out the corner.

And then I’ll feel like a selfish bitch because they could easily of been venting their stress and that’s just how it came out. Or what if I’m the one keeping score? Then what?

…Wow.

What?

I’ll admit you have a point there. And to be fair we’re all guilty of dipping into either side of the pool- I know I certainly am.

So did I win this one?

I don’t think you can win a question, but regardless I’m going to say no. You still need to take a deep breath and relax. Maybe stop putting so much weight on every little interaction and just let yourself be more present? Our friendships are supposed to be an outlet and with the way you’re going; it’s definitely going to become one way flow instead of a circulation.

I don’t know if that analogy actually makes sense.

Doesn’t matter because you still got the message.

Yackety Yak: Dramatic

What is something you think you’re dramatic about?

Dramatic on the inside? Or do you mean outwardly dramatic?

Well now obviously both.

Okay. So inside my mind I’d have to say texting and outwardly…going to the gym, I guess.

Why texting?

Oh that’s easy. I don’t like how we’re in a stage where it’s assumed we’re always available. It’s like always being on call and then I feel pressure to respond right away out of this mix of social obligation and fear they might get upset or it might be important. THEN there’s the flip side where if certain people don’t respond after an arbitrary time period or I don’t hear from them for a while- I go down this thought process of “they must not like me anymore because I’m a garbage person“.

…Well…that was…a lot.

Saying it out loud felt nice though.

Yeah?

Yeah, I guess it’s the idea of saying something out loud and seeing if I agree with myself.

I guess I can relate to that, but I try to stay in the mindset of; “I know everyone has things going on and no one is beholden or always has to answer me“. People will get to me when they can or want to OR they might forget or choose to ignore me. Regardless though I just have to keep doing my thing.

That seems kind of melodramatic, but I was dramatic so I get it.

I think the real thing boils down to the friends or people you feel insecure with. You said it yourself; it’s with ‘certain’ people.

True…Do you have anyone like that?

I think we all kind of do whether we want to admit it or not.

When You Suck at Something You Love

Little known fact about me: I have NO artistic talent.

In fact, I took culinary arts in middle school just to avoid taking an actual art class! That’s how bad I was and still am to this very day.

As a true fan of web comics/anime/manga, I truly wish I’d put the time in to craft some sort of drawing skill…but it just wasn’t my thing which sucked because I had intricate stories building in my head by the time I was 11. It wasn’t until seventh grade that I thought about actually writing them down.

For the rest of seventh grade I did tons of research and prep work- filling at least one notebook full of information on this world I was creating. I didn’t think my writing was strong, so I’d just jot down the main points for my ‘older self’ to write out. In the mean time, I RP’d online to sharpen my writing (I’m actually very impressed with the forethought of 12 year old me).

It was a golden plan, but as time went on I never brought myself to finish it even though I never forgot the story.

Now I’m roughly a half a year away from finishing university and still haven’t taken a pen to that damn paper. I still RP, but I don’t have much confidence in my writing and I can feel it fading more and more as time goes on. The friend I RP with is actually a very good writer and it definitely makes me aware of how terrible mine is in comparison. I’ll admit it definitely discouraged me from pursing my personal project for a while, but I think it took me losing practically all confidence before I gave myself a much needed kick in the ass.

From now on I’m going to really put effort into my replies, fine-tune my writing, and maybe even take a gander at the notes 12 year old me left behind…Maybe >_>

O.P 13 December 2017