Unemployment: A Steady Current

Today marks my second month unemployed, officially surpassing my prior stint in 2019. In my perfect scenarios I would have accepted a job offer by now with a start date in the next few weeks. A preference which clearly didn’t pan out, but such is life.

Thanks to family and friend’s emotional support (e.g. chatting on the phone, meeting for lunch, receiving job recommendations, etc.), maintaining at least five applications per week, managing about one interview a week, and diverting excess energy into creative projects…I’m doing pretty okay.

~~It definitely helps that I was finally able to get some things with the state sorted, but everything else has really been keeping me going.~~

My current obsession is without a doubt The Amazing Race and I am currently in the phase of asking everyone I know if they will compete with me. So far both my parents and one of my bridesmen rejected me (pretty hilariously I might add).

I’ve also started going to the gym again and let me tell you- upper body is the absolute worst. I would prefer anything else and my gym doesn’t have a rowing machine (~~my only exception~~), so I’m getting through on sheer will power.

All in all I’ve gotten past the emotional turmoil of it. Is there still a twinge of negativity? Of course, but I’m sure it will fade once I’m back in the flow of things. Until then I’ll keep chugging along and split free time between world building and side projects. When’s a better time…right?

artist: @artoshtu

Unemployment: Another Cog in the Machine

Today marks the end of a second week unemployed (like countless others caught in this tide of layoffs).

I don’t want to rabbit on about sentiments we’ve all heard before, so all I will say is:

“It was a position that managed to blend my values and skill sets in a way where I fully intended to retire there.”

Now I’m in the process of landing another job and it’s…going.

9 applications sent
1 phone interview
1 call from a recruiting branch

Do I feel I’ve done enough? No.

Am I very confident? Also no, but it’s slowly ticking up.

Compared to last time, so much has changed, yet so much hits exactly the same. To everyone searching I hope you snag that position you’re really aiming for (~~you know the one~~).

artist: @artoshtu

sleepless nights

Tonight is the second night I’ve cried instead of slept. It’s becoming this cycle where I can be happy with my friends, at work, and even at school- but once I’m home I just…can’t keep it up. My mom even made a comment earlier tonight about how I seemed irritated and my response was just, “I always seem irritated.”

Where it stems from is something I know people will call trivial. After all, I graduate college in spring, have a roof over my head, a car, two loving parents, friends, a very spoiled cat, two dogs…there shouldn’t be any complaints. I should be happy all the time, right? If I’m not I’m suddenly this ungrateful spoiled brat, right?

It’s funny to say out loud, but I honestly wonder if I’m sinking into depression. The suicidal thoughts have been hiding just below the surface since 2015 when I was first assaulted. Since then it’s been like a wave with highs a lows and just when I think the high is permanent- it crashes back down just like a true wave.

I prefer to keep things to myself. I find it better that way and I don’t mean to be selfish when it comes to that. I like to give off the idea that I have it together most of the time or more aptly put: “cannot be sunk”. The truth is that everyone can sink and it’s just a part of life. Still, I do my damnedest in part because I don’t want to be a sob story and because I like being the rock for those I care about…and when you’re the rock you have to keep standing no matter what.

Anyway, it’s almost been two years since the incident and I feel like I’ve gone backwards instead of forewords. Part of it was expected after the second assault over the summer, but I guess I hoped I was stronger than I am. My decisions in my personal life are becoming more rash and I can see it even as I make them. It’s all an attempt to try and prove to myself I’m not “damaged goods” through a guy who’s honestly probably tired of my shit by now.

The truth is I can’t try to use someone else to pull myself out of that mindset because at the end of the day I see myself as damaged no matter what. There was a time I would put on makeup to try and hide my flaws, but also as a sort of mask between myself and the world. Nowadays I don’t even do that because that would require looking in the mirror.

O.P. 28 September 2017

Daylight Savings: A First

Since our move out west I’ve fallen into a bit of a routine with working from home. Usually, I finish my workday between 2:30 and 3:30, then spend another two hours or so messing around online before hopping in the shower. Last night things took an unexpected twist however, when I left my office to find it already dark out.

Five-thirty and full night mode.

I don’t think I ever recall it being dark so early when I lived on the East coast. Would the sun be setting? Sure, but it wouldn’t be completely dark yet.

The strangest part was I randomly felt super productive. Like, “Well look at everything I’ve gotten done before six!”. Meanwhile, I don’t think I’d done any more or less than usual.

I’m not sure why, but when I closed the blinds and got my last peek outside…it was heavy. Maybe because of the cold. Maybe not. I’m no stranger to the term ‘seasonal depression’, but with where I used to live, hearing about it was exceedingly rare. Perhaps I felt so off because this is the first time I feel…at risk…

On a brighter note: I’m going to experience traditional winter this year- meaning snow! And every reason to be cozy.

artist: @artoshtu

Fear

It’s remarkable both how swift and unforgiving fear can be.

A solitary night enjoying YouTube videos shattering at the random outreach of another.

Slowly descending the stairs I make sure doors are locked and blinds shut. My feline lingers in my shadow, hesitating to follow, but rushing upstairs once I beckon.

A hesitant call to my partner temporarily eases my nerves- in minutes they are driving down. They keep me on the line.

I’m sitting in a corner of the office when they arrive. The house is dark and though I hear my partner’s voice…I say nothing.

As they enter the room, a dim computer screen reveals my spot in the corner.

For several moments we sit in silence. I can see them struggling to find words of comfort, but I don’t need them.

I’m just happy they came.

Working from Home: Back to the Cave!

What. A. Day.

Where do I even begin on this…? I guess we’ll take it back twenty four hours when I got the amazing news that: my hours were being bumped up by four (I’m truly happy and not being sarcastic); my company is buying out my contract thus making me permanent; AND starting today I was allowed back in the office!

Side Note: I’d been working at home for almost three weeks at this point since returning from Washington State mid March.

Needless to say I was PUMPED this morning. I might have been a little slow to rise, but once I was up I kicked it into high gear. I put on some work clothes, took my cat to his veterinary appointment, then went off to work with my box of supplies and everything. When I got there my coworkers welcomed me back and caught me up to speed with the organized chaos which had become my desk. I met with one of head bosses to get an update on my employment; made sure my pay wouldn’t be taking a cut, then filled out the I-9 and W-4. I was able to fall right back in the groove while clearing the build up on my desk…the day was just flying by and I was feeling not only super productive, but also had peace of mind at being outside my house for a bit.

Then the other shoe dropped.

Without giving out too many details I’ll sum it up by saying the other head boss noticed my presence and immediately took issue with it. Within twenty minutes of him spotting me I was dismissed for the day to work from home until…who really knows. I said okay, let the other head boss know, then said my goodbyes before heading back on home.

Do I understand the concern? Of course I do which is why I wasn’t trying to plant my feet and say “~~I feel fine and should be allowed to stay~~“. Have I already quarantined for well past the recommended fourteen days? Yes. Has anyone who lives with me shown any symptoms? No. Does any of that really matter? I don’t necessarily think so.

Things are hectic right now and to me it would not only be selfish to argue, but unnecessary since I already have everything I need to work from home. If anything I think I was just kind of bewildered by the situation because of the spike in tension when I thought it had been a communal decision.

Weeelp. Back to working from home and listening to deep dive videos on YouTube!

Artist: oshtu

Disagreements

It’s very rare my mom and I have a disagreement. Maybe once every one to three years we have a blow out, then after a few days we reconcile. Since our last blow out; at least two years ago now, I made an effort to not bottle things up and effectively voice my opinions with her without freaking out- specifically if she threw out the tried and true “you’re too sensitive” comment or some variation of it.

Now putting aside the dismissive everything about that phrase and how it makes me go from 15 to 70…I’ll get back on track.