Disagreements

It’s very rare my mom and I have a disagreement. Maybe once every one to three years we have a blow out, then after a few days we reconcile. Since our last blow out; at least two years ago now, I made an effort to not bottle things up and effectively voice my opinions with her without freaking out- specifically if she threw out the tried and true “you’re too sensitive” comment or some variation of it.

Now putting aside the dismissive everything about that phrase and how it makes me go from 15 to 70…I’ll get back on track.

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Unemployment: The Waiting Game

As of today I have been unemployed for 18 days.

In that time I’ve gone on two interviews; one last Wednesday and another yesterday morning. Ideally, I’ll receive a call back by the end of this week. Cynically, I’ll remain on the grind of job searching.

It’s strange. In the past my jobs always overlapped with exceptions being when I returned from abroad. This time; however, the business simply closed and I’m not sure if it makes sense to say, but: it feels like a bleak right of passage into adulthood.

Obviously, I don’t want to make it seem “rad” as if it’s a box on the ‘adulthood check list‘ or something, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve never met an adult who hadn’t been unemployed for an extended period.

Now since my current stint is pretty new/short, I want to instead highlight a conversation had with a friend. Turns out she’d been unemployed for six months, found a job, and was then fired a month and a half into it. She explained how she began to feel useless because she wasn’t ‘contributing to society’ and fell into a depression. Being fired was understandably a huge blow after everything and it had taken a lot for her to get to a good place again. Even with all the self progress though, there was still the looming knowledge of her savings running low and her still being unemployed.

So what do you do in that situation? I’m sure there are countless different answers and thankfully she wasn’t asking for advice.

Listening to her purge frustrations and feelings helped put a lot in perspective for me. Truthfully, there was a small voice in the back of my mind asking: is this where I’m headed in the long run?. But mainly it reinforced the reality of what a fortunate spot I’m in with my current living situation.

Do I feel like a loser because I’m not working? Yes, but I’m luckily in a spot where I can wait for a job of equal or higher value to my last position. So long as I’m doing my due diligence in applying to jobs and going to interviews then I should be content…right?

Side Note: There’s this other voice in my head saying, “if you really need a job then get a lower paying one. get a part time one.” and I’m torn.

Distance

Distance is a crazy thing.

It can be difficult to get used to at first: the gradual separation from someone you were close with. It can disrupt your sense of ease and way of going about your day- suddenly there’s a gap. It can make you insecure as idle thoughts fill the space…

On the other hand, it can be therapeutic: relearning to go on independently. It can help focus your priorities without the influence of someone else. It can make you more productive. It can provide answers to questions you hadn’t even considered. It can bring out changes in your perspective and behavior for the better.

Ultimately, it’s proven to be cathartic for me. It was rough in the beginning, but allowed me to purge things I’d buried so deep I never thought they’d see the light of day again.

Did it suck? Yes. Was it worth it? Yeah, I’d say so.

To feeling better and living better.

O.P. 26 October 2017

Time for a Reset

Sometimes you just need a hard reset.

The reasons for it and ways we go about it vary tremendously, but I decided to start with things I do and experience daily which meant: my bedroom. Now I’ve rearranged/cleaned out my room probably every 3-4 months to keep things fresh for ages. I’m talking to the point where my family wasn’t even surprised when they’d catch me in the act anymore- they were just curious to see how I’d do it differently. And this worked up until I ran out of ways to position everything. Since high school I never really bothered buying new things or redecorating because I was always looking ahead to when I planned on moving out, but after rescinding my E.P.I.K. application and realizing I was going to be home for another year…I knew I needed to make some changes.

SO I got rid of my couch, chair, mirrors, and carpet. I bought a shelf unit, full length mirror, carpet, and wallpaper. I moved my dresser into the closet to open up the space and got my family to help hang everything up.

I knew I’d done well at really switching things up too when my mom was visibly shocked (and even a little impressed) at the almost final product. Did she tell me I needed to get a new bed set to tie the room together? Of course she did, but hey- she’s right and come next month I should have it.

With phase one done I can now successfully move to the next which is…*drum roll*…exercise. I’ve tried doing this in the past and have always lacked follow through for several reasons. One is I have a thing about working out where people can see me which is part of the reason why I opened up my room in the first place. So now it’s like: You don’t want to work out in public? Now you have a private place to do it plus a full mirror to check you form. You’re too tired after work and don’t want to? You can look at the bed as motivation while you get it done. You can’t remember the exercises and can’t ask someone? Google it, bitch. No one to talk to? Put on a podcast.

So in the past, phase three would be all about skin care, but I’m honestly pretty content right now. This isn’t to say my skin is perfect or anything because that would be insane. What it does mean though is my skin is on the right track, I’m seeing results, and instead of stressing I’d rather just keep up with my routine. What’s phase three then?

Pole dancing. That’s right. I know what you’re thinking: but didn’t you just say you don’t like working out in public? Why yes. Yes I did. BUT pole dancing classes are normally closed AND it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. To be honest this entire phase is really just about getting out there and trying things I’ve talked or thought about because I’m done putting it off. Especially when it’s something I can easily manage to do, but I’ve just been lazy/nervous.

Phase four: friends and relationships. Now I don’t want to give the impression I’m about to do a major clean sweep or something because nothing severe has happened. This has more to do with me putting more effort into my family and being more open with my friends in general. I guess in a way maybe this one is more about me being more authentic to myself?…Well that’s always a work in progress.

All in all phase one is one complete; exercising in my room starts this week; pole dancing starts next month; and friends/relationships has already been happening. At first I didn’t want to make a post about it because I didn’t want to jinx myself, but then I thought- why not? The only thing that can jinx me is myself and things are going pretty well. I’ve honestly been feeling a lot less down since I started making moves again and it feels good.

I just realized I saved all the physical stuff for last and I’m not even surprised.

Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash

Old Friends: same old shit?

It’s wild how you can know someone for years, go though so many ups and downs, not talk for months at a time, and then suddenly one person hits up the other because they haven’t posted on social media in a while and suddenly you’re hanging out until five in the morning.

Was it expected? Definitely not, but that’s life…you know?

I’ll be the first to say I was the reason our friendship fell apart. Hands down it was me and I think mixed with distance/leading our own lives sent us in different directions for a while.

Was it unfortunate? Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely things we’ve missed out on in each others lives which is unfortunate, but I don’t necessarily think it is on the whole because we’ve always managed to link back together.

It’s funny too because this time around I guess it just feels different? I think we’re both in that mentality/stage where the bullshit from years ago just isn’t something we live in anymore. There’s no overthinking. We hang out, have deep conversations, have stupid conversations, and the most important part- we roast the shit out of each other.

In the past month alone I’ve seen them twice (taking that good ol’ three and half hour drive). The first time was the fated “hanging out until 5 a.m.”. This past weekend I introduced them to my boyfriend, brought them over for breakfast with my some relatives they hadn’t seen in years, and face timed with my mom to say hi. It was awesome and by the time we parted ways there were already plans to link up again in a few weeks.

I really don’t know how to explain it…During our 5 a.m. hangout they said something off handily about how I was one of their best friends and it really made me think that: yeah, they’re definitely still one of mine. I just felt refreshed and I think sometimes that’s what we need- that physical physical presence as opposed to maybe just a screen or even nothing at all.

I guess in the end my true take away is: through the highs and lows it’s all about those who you can still kick back with and watch them not be able to finish a turkey leg at the fair (and then roast them for it).

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Complex Be Gone-ish!

After chatting with a friend the other day, I realized something: my “sexy” complex has faded away and I didn’t even notice.

You see, in the past I used to only see myself as the sexy one. I could never be cute or beautiful– just one who generally looked good in revealing clothes (face not included). This image probably started around eighth grade when I was leaving the “is that a girl?” stage until some point in university, I think.

And yes, someone said that about me when I was somewhere between second and fourth grade.

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