It’s amazing how hearing a nearly forgotten song can affect you so deeply. Having recently accepted a job offer I found myself struck with the urge to reread an old post of mine. It’s regarding the passing of one of my best friends a few years ago- although now I suppose it’s been several years…The anniversary of when I received the news from her father was little over two weeks ago, but I’d successfully pushed it away to focus on other things. With my employment potentially sorted it seems my subconscious finally wanted to address it.
There’s only so much you can say, right? I can’t lie and say I’m not sad she wasn’t able to attend my wedding. I can’t lie and say I’m not sad she wasn’t there for our matching tattoo.
I am sad.
I’m sad when I realize I’ve passed the stage we were in when she died. I’m sad knowing there are things we wanted to do and at most, all I can do is do them without her. I’m sad I don’t know when I’ll be able to watch ‘Never Let Me Go’ again. I’m sad we never took pictures together and worry one day I’ll forget her face. I’m sad knowing what used to be ‘a few years ago’ is turning into several. And I’m sad knowing she wouldn’t want me to be because she considered death inevitable and mourning to be pointless…
In the end I listened to each song from my original post and while I can’t say I felt lighter by any means…in a way it was cathartic.
After all, we all complete.