Overdue Mourning

It’s amazing how hearing a nearly forgotten song can affect you so deeply. Having recently accepted a job offer I found myself struck with the urge to reread an old post of mine. It’s regarding the passing of one of my best friends a few years ago- although now I suppose it’s been several years…The anniversary of when I received the news from her father was little over two weeks ago, but I’d successfully pushed it away to focus on other things. With my employment potentially sorted it seems my subconscious finally wanted to address it.

There’s only so much you can say, right? I can’t lie and say I’m not sad she wasn’t able to attend my wedding. I can’t lie and say I’m not sad she wasn’t there for our matching tattoo.

I am sad.

I’m sad when I realize I’ve passed the stage we were in when she died. I’m sad knowing there are things we wanted to do and at most, all I can do is do them without her. I’m sad I don’t know when I’ll be able to watch ‘Never Let Me Go’ again. I’m sad we never took pictures together and worry one day I’ll forget her face. I’m sad knowing what used to be ‘a few years ago’ is turning into several. And I’m sad knowing she wouldn’t want me to be because she considered death inevitable and mourning to be pointless…

In the end I listened to each song from my original post and while I can’t say I felt lighter by any means…in a way it was cathartic.

After all, we all complete.

A Year in the Making

As of today I officially relocated from my home state one year ago.

A goal of nearly fourteen years and three hundred sixty-five days ago, I achieved it. Not to study abroad or go on a internship, but without an estimated return date or ticket in hand.

At the time I was so consumed with logistics and saying goodbyes I barely had time to process. I mean, we had less than ninety days from when we received notice of our move to when we needed to step on the plane. I was excited for the next chapter though and jumped right in.

When my mom came to visit in January she said this would be one of my biggest years and looking back…I can’t say I disagree.

In this past year I:

Moved in with just my partner (no roommates!)
Went to the Mountain Region for the first time
Began commissioning art
Attended therapy continually/successfully
Started a data analytics certification
Got engaged
Bought my first place
Began planning my wedding
Experienced my first snowy winter
Landed a job I didn’t think I stood of chance of getting
Learned one of my cats WILL eat hoodie strings like spaghetti if left alone
Started watching Anime again
Reached closure on a long standing friendship

I’m sure there are so many things I’m forgetting, but all in all it’s been a hell of personal year. My biggest goal going forward though is to start posting here again! ~~I’m so tired after work y’all. Getting used to commuting again has taken much longer than I expected~~~~. I just come home, shower, and pass out…I’m working on it.~~

Wishing everyone well and hoping good things are in the works for all of you!

artist: @artoshtu

A Source of Anxiety

Prompt: Write about a noise — or even a silence — that won’t go away. (We’ll let you interpret this in different ways…)

The first thing to come to mind when I read this prompt was The Neighborhood’s “Afraid”. Specifically the lyrics, “When I wake up, I’m afraid somebody else might take my place”…

For me it’s a silent presence. Technically in my mind, yet always feels as if it’s looming over my shoulder. It’s a constant reminder of shortcomings in friendships past and how others can decide it’s in their best interest to move forward without you.

It’s a conglomeration of anxieties and insecurities.

Over time I’ve learned to manage, but of course there are always certain people and situations which cause it to rise with full strength. I know it will never truly go away- I just hope the silence will begin to fade.

artist: @artoshtu

A Friend in Need

Prompt: Finish this sentence: “My closest friend is…”

My closest friend is someone I’m no longer comfortable relying on, which sucks, but I like to think I’m progressing.

Yackety-Yak: Supporting Role

Sometimes I think I’m an asshole.

I mean, if you’re asking then the answer is yes. Everyone is an asshole sometimes.

Maybe, but this situation is different.

Oh? Do tell.

…Do you ever feel like you aren’t the main character in your story?

Um…I might need you to explain that a little more.

Okay, so it’s like this this: I feel like I’m a supporting character in my own story. My stuff tends to sit on the back burner for someone else’s to take the forefront.

And is this for everyone…?

Mainly one person, I guess.

Okay…So you’re prioritizing another person above yourself? Because that’s normal in variations.

Um- yes and no. It’s like I consider their events more important…than mine? And I feel compelled to do what I can to help because I care for them, but then after the fact it’s like I’m just the remainder.

Ah. You’re consumed, basically.

I guess so? I just feel like I can cover my base stuff usually pretty easily and I want to be there for them.

Sounds to me like you know you can cover your base responsibilities with a certain level of effort and then you’re putting the rest into this other person-

But those base responsibilities don’t really require a lot in my opinion.

It doesn’t matter. If you’re letting all of your excess effort go into another person then you are a supporting character in your own life. It’s one thing to care for someone, but it’s an entirely different thing if it’s to your detriment. I mean, is this even being returned?

I’d say sporadically…?

There’s a good chance it’s because they’re treating themselves like the main character in their lives OR are at least prioritizing themselves above you- neither of which are bad things. Everyone has to prioritize themselves at varying rates for their situation and that includes you as well as me.

But-

Listen, I’m not saying to cut them out of your lives or something drastic here. All I’m saying is to maybe be less consumed with this person and focus more on yourself. Imagine what you could do if you took even forty percent of that effort and applied it to you or even other people?

Yeah, but whenever I start to go down that general line of thinking I start to feel like an asshole; as if it implies I’m keeping score or not doing things genuinely.

…Do you think this has anything to do with your friend’s death three years ago?

Yackety-Yak: Self-Criticism

Do you ever look at a conversation you’ve had and thought: ‘wow, I’m really letting them down‘?

Sure? It this a new thing for you?

I guess not? I mean, we’ve all had moments where we overthink something we’ve said and try to dissect all the possible ways it could of been interpreted. I’ve just been torn lately between wanting to talk to/be there for others as opposed to just hanging alone.

And how does this link back to your question…?

Because I-….I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I think my value as a friend is at risk? As if I might fall to the wayside and when the tide of pandemic finally washes out, I’ll be washed away too?

…Right…so you’ve become hyper-aware of your conversations and are worried you might disappoint.

Pretty much sums it up.

Well I think you need to take a deep breath and relax. Look, everyone is going through varying degrees of stress. You can’t please everyone you care about without driving yourself insane- especially if you’re focusing on it. This is a time where you’ve got to do what you need to do; and if you have people keeping score in your corner, then it might be time to clear out the corner.

And then I’ll feel like a selfish bitch because they could easily of been venting their stress and that’s just how it came out. Or what if I’m the one keeping score? Then what?

…Wow.

What?

I’ll admit you have a point there. And to be fair we’re all guilty of dipping into either side of the pool- I know I certainly am.

So did I win this one?

I don’t think you can win a question, but regardless I’m going to say no. You still need to take a deep breath and relax. Maybe stop putting so much weight on every little interaction and just let yourself be more present? Our friendships are supposed to be an outlet and with the way you’re going; it’s definitely going to become one way flow instead of a circulation.

I don’t know if that analogy actually makes sense.

Doesn’t matter because you still got the message.