A Source of Anxiety

Prompt: Write about a noise — or even a silence — that won’t go away. (We’ll let you interpret this in different ways…)

The first thing to come to mind when I read this prompt was The Neighborhood’s “Afraid”. Specifically the lyrics, “When I wake up, I’m afraid somebody else might take my place”

For me it’s a silent presence. Technically in my mind, yet always feels as if it’s looming over my shoulder. It’s a constant reminder of shortcomings in friendships past and how others can decide it’s in their best interest to move forward without you.

It’s a conglomeration of anxieties and insecurities.

Over time I’ve learned to manage, but of course there are always certain people and situations which cause it to rise with full strength. I know it will never truly go away- I just hope the silence will begin to fade.

artist: @artoshtu

Fear

It’s remarkable both how swift and unforgiving fear can be.

A solitary night enjoying YouTube videos shattering at the random outreach of another.

Slowly descending the stairs I make sure doors are locked and blinds shut. My feline lingers in my shadow, hesitating to follow, but rushing upstairs once I beckon.

A hesitant call to my partner temporarily eases my nerves- in minutes they are driving down. They keep me on the line.

I’m sitting in a corner of the office when they arrive. The house is dark and though I hear my partner’s voice…I say nothing.

As they enter the room, a dim computer screen reveals my spot in the corner.

For several moments we sit in silence. I can see them struggling to find words of comfort, but I don’t need them.

I’m just happy they came.

It can’t be just me: Fear of Failure

To start off; I’m pretty sure it’s not just me. BUT if you know someone or are the someone who never fears failure then congratulations and let’s hang out (maybe you’ll rub off on me).


So this is one of those things I’ve been wrangling with for ages now and the main reason it’s taken until now for me actually post on here. Anytime I would start a draft, two thought would pop up: What if no one likes it? & What if I fail?

On Tumblr it was one thing, but on here it somehow feels….more exposed? Maybe more adult, even? I don’t really know how to explain it.

There are things I want to write about. Things I’m in the middle of doing and working on. Things that might actually be interesting and yet, there’s still that lingering fear of

What if I write about it and then fail or it doesn’t work out?

Of course, the answer is to just keep on grooving to the next thing just like in real life. Normally I’m very set in that mindset and try not to let the present bog me down, but when it comes to writing it suddenly feels weird. I mean, in real life no one’s perfect, not everything works out and that’s okay. We make some adjustments and keep chugging along.

For me, when I first pushed past that barrier it was like a huge weight has been lifted. That silent pressure which can be so inhibiting suddenly lessened considerably (obviously it didn’t completely go away or I wouldn’t be writing this). Now this isn’t to say I’m lackadaisical in the things I do. I just think that striving for success and fearing failure don’t need to be mutually exclusive. I find it better to still strive for success while understanding if it doesn’t work out or I fail, then that’s okay because I did what I could.

I guess in short: If a fear of failure is hindering me to the point where I keep putting something off (like this), then I try my best to hone the same energy I put in other things I do.

So what does it mean for the site?

I’d rather be genuine than force myself to try and be perfect, ultimately fail anyway, and then act shook when it all blows up my face. Sooo this might get interesting.

Photo by Nik MacMillan on Unsplash