It’s safe to say marriage is considered a major life milestone, right?
Um…yeah? I’d say so. For those who value it, at least.
Sometimes I get anxious. Not in the, “I’m having second thoughts“ way or anything. It’s more, “Getting married is a major life mark and I’m suddenly reminded of my own mortality“…
This is…not the direction I thought we were headed in.
I know, right?
I don’t think it’s out of left field though. I mean, your biggest fear is death and while milestones are traditionally great…
-They also traditionally bring us closer to death.
It can be bittersweet.
In many ways, I think it is.
Prompt: Write about anything you’d like. Somewhere in your post, include the sentence, “I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked at the clock.”
It’s a strange thing to know when you’ll die.
For some, they know mere seconds before. For others, only minutes.
The rare few know further than that…
As I leaned back in the driver’s seat I purposely closed my eyes. I was in the parking lot of my office. My car partially hidden by low hanging branches of an untrimmed tree.
It had been like any other day. Awake at seven, in work by eight, lunch at one, and out by five. No different from many days past, yet different in every imaginable way.
My bags were in the passenger seat- a half filled container exposing a meal never finished.
The radio played, but I couldn’t hear it.
My mind was blank. My breaths slowed.
An eternity seemed both to pass and fly by.
Perhaps I’d gotten the date wrong? The time even? But I knew it wasn’t the case.
I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked at the clock.
Since our move out west I’ve fallen into a bit of a routine with working from home. Usually, I finish my workday between 2:30 and 3:30, then spend another two hours or so messing around online before hopping in the shower. Last night things took an unexpected twist however, when I left my office to find it already dark out.
Five-thirty and full night mode.
I don’t think I ever recall it being dark so early when I lived on the East coast. Would the sun be setting? Sure, but it wouldn’t be completely dark yet.
The strangest part was I randomly felt super productive. Like, “Well look at everything I’ve gotten done before six!”. Meanwhile, I don’t think I’d done any more or less than usual.
I’m not sure why, but when I closed the blinds and got my last peek outside…it was heavy. Maybe because of the cold. Maybe not. I’m no stranger to the term ‘seasonal depression’, but with where I used to live, hearing about it was exceedingly rare. Perhaps I felt so off because this is the first time I feel…at risk…
On a brighter note: I’m going to experience traditional winter this year- meaning snow! And every reason to be cozy.
The other night I dreamt I went abroad to investigate the death of my best friend.
Sometimes I think about killing myself.
I’m sorry- WHAT?
Not in the sense that I can’t do it anymore, but just…you know when you’re driving on a bridge?
Sometimes I feel the urge to just drive off. Or to swerve into oncoming traffic. Things like that.
I think there’s a word for that.
I think there is too, but I can’t remember it…Do you ever get that though?
…I feel a lot less okay with you driving us now.
I’d never do it with someone else in the car. It’s definitely a solo thing.
…Now I feel a lot less okay with you driving by yourself, period.