Prompt: When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?
Hm…it would probably be pretty recent.
While my partner and I were enjoying a private hot spring we got to talking and I expressed how now that we are legally married it feels as if I’ve hit all the stereotypical ‘milestones of adulthood’– aside from having children (
neither myself or my partner want any).
It was strange because until that moment I hadn’t consciously considered it.
On one hand it’s nice to think you’ve hit society’s goals whether or not you think they’re relevant. On another hand it served as a reminder of how I’m getting closer to the ultimate milestone- death, albeit in a roundabout process.
In a parallel train of thought it made me reflect on how I’m not really passionate about anything anymore nor do I have extremely close friendships.
Adulthood is a wild one, but the joy of being an adult is I can make changes towards the things I want.
Photo by Cloris Ying on Unsplash
Eight days into 2022 and I can proudly announce: I’ve completed my data analytics course!
Did I keep to my original timeline? …No. Initially, I wanted to be done by New Year’s Eve, but for once I don’t feel any self imposed guilt. I mean, I still finished ahead of the course’s schedule and now I can start applying to new opportunities.
It’s weird because when I started this post I thought I’d have so much to say. Instead, I’m just content and ready to pursue the next professional chapter.
Since our move out west I’ve fallen into a bit of a routine with working from home. Usually, I finish my workday between 2:30 and 3:30, then spend another two hours or so messing around online before hopping in the shower. Last night things took an unexpected twist however, when I left my office to find it already dark out.
Five-thirty and full night mode.
I don’t think I ever recall it being dark so early when I lived on the East coast. Would the sun be setting? Sure, but it wouldn’t be completely dark yet.
The strangest part was I randomly felt super productive. Like, “Well look at everything I’ve gotten done before six!”. Meanwhile, I don’t think I’d done any more or less than usual.
I’m not sure why, but when I closed the blinds and got my last peek outside…it was heavy. Maybe because of the cold. Maybe not. I’m no stranger to the term ‘seasonal depression’, but with where I used to live, hearing about it was exceedingly rare. Perhaps I felt so off because this is the first time I feel…at risk…
On a brighter note: I’m going to experience traditional winter this year- meaning snow! And every reason to be cozy.
It’s remarkable both how swift and unforgiving fear can be.
A solitary night enjoying YouTube videos shattering at the random outreach of another.
Slowly descending the stairs I make sure doors are locked and blinds shut. My feline lingers in my shadow, hesitating to follow, but rushing upstairs once I beckon.
A hesitant call to my partner temporarily eases my nerves- in minutes they are driving down. They keep me on the line.
I’m sitting in a corner of the office when they arrive. The house is dark and though I hear my partner’s voice…I say nothing.
As they enter the room, a dim computer screen reveals my spot in the corner.
For several moments we sit in silence. I can see them struggling to find words of comfort, but I don’t need them.
I’m just happy they came.
With the way things are right now I don’t really see a point in talking about my personal day to day. I mean, plenty of us are experiencing variations of the same thing, so what more can I possibly add. Right?
For instance, in my case there are only three important (
if we can even call them that) points: I was put on a ‘work from home’ order two week ago after returning from Washington state; with budget cuts I’m now working part time; everyone will be moving out of my home in a few weeks.
See my point? None of that is very worth noting aside from my privilege/luck of having a boss who fought and succeeded in keeping me employed (thank you *****!).
With all that out of the way I wanted to talk about something I’ve come to realize in these times of deep “self reflection” or what I like to call: I now have no distraction from self reflection and over thinking. So, what is this thing I’ve discovered about myself? Well, I’m pretty sure I’m a toxic friend and it’s put me in a position where I think maybe all this social distancing would do me good in kind of stepping away from things and out of tropes…if that makes sense?
I guess given all the added stress on everyone right now I’d rather not add unnecessary fuel to the fire.
If you’re wondering how I know I’m a toxic friend; such as if I was told in some way or snooped or something… I suppose the answer is no. It’s more: I was having a conversation with a friend about an issue we had and certain verbiage they used kind of struck a cord in me. Think of a light bulb moment, but instead of discovering Shirokuma Cafe you get hit with a wave of ‘I really must be trash‘ & ‘I’m surprised they haven’t chucked me‘.
On a completely unrelated note I was told I may or may not be adjusting well to quarantine and lack of human contact. Do I agree with this? No idea. I’ve been viewing it as a lesser issue in the grand scheme of everything happening right now. Is this the best stance to take? Who knows.
Anyway, this was my attempt at articulating my current thoughts and feelings in a way which hopefully made sense. I went back and forth on how to possibly close out the post for a while, but I think I’m going to have to just end it here.
This week I turned twenty-three. I know it’s not a super special year by most standards, but for me this was one I’d been looking forward to for a while.
Which is why I was surprised when someone had to remind me it was a day away!