A FICTIONAL JOURNAL INSPIRED BY IDLE THOUGHTS
It's official. I've been in my new position for over a month now and I want to say it's going well? I haven't received comments regarding "room for improvement" or anything, but I can't help but feel wary. Any attempts to dispel imposter syndrome are drowned by a silent voice screaming: I can't fail.
Today I let my boss know I'm considering putting in my two weeks notice. On one hand it was nice to tell someone aside from my partner and to have a rapport with my boss where I could be honest. On the other hand, the idea of letting people down plagues me...as does the idea of leaving a job without having another set up.
Four years I managed to suppress, but should have known there was no way to truly forget. The utter vitriol in a tear stricken voice as they blame you for the death of their daughter...calling you her murderer. How could one ever forget?
Bit by bit I'm feeling myself slowly become comfortable with the distance. The fading conversation. The lack of connection. An empty space in each other's lives. When I was younger I'd say it was easy. No problem. Like an adhesive bandage... Now it's no longer the case. Instead, it comes in ebbs and flows. Eventually they'll still.
There is a surreal feeling when you see someone in public who you've known with a silent understanding you will not acknowledge one another. A feeling of rejection ignited by wrong doings of years past that's dampened by an understanding of growing older, not being beholden to old links, and accepting the progression of yourselves as individuals.
Sometimes I hear a low humming when sitting in relative quiet. At times it can be disconcerting- a noise that shouldn't exist and can't be placed. Other times it's a comforting white noise that drowns out everything to create a sense of calm...there are times when I think I may be paranoid for hearing it.
Does anyone have snippets of conversation randomly replay in their head? Where you remember what the other person said, how you felt, etc. and when it replays your brain inserts how you would respond now? If not, I get it because I always feel strange afterwards. I guess it's the feeling I'm obsessing over a singular moment and allowing myself to harbor negativity. Unless I'm going to rehash these conversations with the actual people then what's the point...right?
Does anyone have moments when they think they might succumb to something solely because a side is so passionate even if you firmly don't agree? Such as when you read YouTube comments and one person is clearly fully invested in their side? I don't think I've given in, but sometimes I grow paranoid.
You know the feeling when you finish something for you and even though it's your first time at it and even though it's janky...you feel awesome because you did it? A cloud has begun to lift.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I'm somewhere between welling tears and deep breaths. At times I express myself, but never to the source. The cycle continues.
Lately I've been waking earlier than my alarm, but lay in bed until the last possible moment. There's something about listening to the quiet of a house which puts me at ease...almost like white noise, yet not as calming as rain. A few moments of nothing to start the day.
Every morning I wake and go about my day. I commute, eat lunch, partake in meetings, and go to the gym. Most often I work in silence, but seldom feel alone. When passing a reflective surface I catch a glimpse of it at my side. An all black, shapeless figure with piercing white eyes...There are times when I catch myself staring at a shop window. A companion will ask if I'm window shopping and I'm reminded no one else can see.