Yackety-Yak: Dreams

“What if when we dream we’re stepping into another version of ourselves?”

“Like in another dimension or something?”

“Yes! Exactly that.”

“Then…that would be terrifying.”

“Why?”

“Because in my dream last night; I witnessed an act of terrorism.”

“…Shit.”

Yackety-Yak: Straws

I don’t like these new paper straws. 

Why? 

Because when I chew on it I end up tearing it. 

So don’t chew on it?

But it’s my thing. I always chew on straws.

What? 

It’s really not that deep. 

You say that now, but just wait until your straw dissolves.

…It already dissolved. Didn’t it?

Yep.

Ha.

It’s still not that deep.

Yackety-Yak: L’appel du vide

Sometimes I think about killing myself. 

I’m sorry- WHAT? 

Not in the sense that I can’t do it anymore, but just…you know when you’re driving on a bridge? 

Yeah..? 

Sometimes I feel the urge to just drive off. Or to swerve into oncoming traffic. Things like that.

I think there’s a word for that. 

I think there is too, but I can’t remember it…Do you ever get that though? 

Nope. 

Cool. 

…I feel a lot less okay with you driving us now. 

I’d never do it with someone else in the car. It’s definitely a solo thing.

…Now I feel a lot less okay with you driving by yourself, period.

That’s fair. 

Yackety-Yak: Dependability

Sometimes I wonder if there’s such a thing as being too dependable while also not being dependable enough. 

…What? 

As in; I used to try to be there for people in as big a way possible and then over time I began to pull back to focus more on myself, but now there are times when I feel like I’m leaving people out to dry. 

Oh. 

Yeah. It’s weird because part of me thinks, “oh, we’re all becoming adults who handle our own affairs” and then another part of me thinks, “but by focusing more on myself does that mean i’m giving people the cold shoulder?”. 

Is there a reason why you need to be so dependable?

I think…it may be because when it comes to interpersonal relationships I believe my value stems from either my sexuality or what I can give them. 

Which explains why you made it rain on people…

Exactly. So now that I’m not spending money on people for no reason-

-Now you’re insecure. 

Yep.  

….

…Maybe you should learn how to depend on others. 

Yackety-Yak: How Can You Tell?

How can you tell if someone actually loves you?

That’s tough…I guess it depends. With some people I don’t think you ever really know. You just have to have faith that they do.

Faith is dangerous. 

And so is love.

Have you ever loved someone? 

To love and to be in love are different things. 

How do you figure? 

When you love someone it’s like being on the shallow end of a pool where you know your parameters and it’s easy; in theory, to navigate.

Such as? 

Such as loving a family member or a friend or even a pet. You know where you start and the general rules are mapped out by social context. You may go to the deep end- sometimes abruptly, but you can always go back to the shallow end in most cases…if it’s healthy, at least. But when you’re in love you’re starting in the deep end and usually with no warning. One moment you’re on the edge of the pool and the next you’re completely submerged. The farther in love you fall; the further down you go and the only way out is with that ladder because the shallow end is nowhere in sight. Making your way back to the surface let alone trying to pull yourself out without slipping back under suddenly feels impossible compared to those steps at the shallow end. 

…So how do you know when someone’s “submerged” for you?

You can take their word for it, study their actions, and even take other people’s word for it…but that’s about it.

So you’ve been in love.  

Yes.