Yackety-Yak: Exhaustion

The other night my partner said I was exhausting.

Oh…was their any context or was it more of a general statement?

Um- I’d be lying if I said this past year I haven’t been teetering, and since we relocated I’ve definitely been leaning on them for support and it eventually came out I’ve been exhausting them the last…couple of months…

Did things come to a head for this to come out?

In a way it was more so the opposite, actually. I’ve started seeing a therapist- albeit sporadically, and my appetite is returning, so my partner felt I was making enough progress to where they could tell me.

So they didn’t want to burden you-

-Even though I was burdening them.

They said they didn’t want to, “kick me while I was down”, so to speak.

And how did you take it?

At first I just shut down to keep my emotional reaction in check and just sort of process it all. I was upset that I’d been so wrapped up in my own day to day I hadn’t noticed how I was wearing on them. Then it shifted to being upset they felt they couldn’t tell me sooner and suffered in silence for weeks all because of my behavior.

Right. I get that.

They regretted telling me initially, but I’m glad they did. Now I’m paying more attention and taking the steps to make sure I respect their boundaries.

You seem to be taking this pretty well– all things considered.

Yeah, well- I’ve been on the other side, right? When they were explaining their feelings so much of it was spot on with things I’d said in past. It was…

It’s why it hit you so hard. To be on the other side.

Oh, for sure. I explained how I wanted us to be comfortable bringing these things up going forward so resentment and other things don’t seep their way in.

And they always do.

Exactly.

Yackety Yak: Kratom

Last night I tried Kratom for the first time.

Kratom? What is that?

My friend described it as a tea with euphoric properties.

…Okay…Is that what it is….or…?

I guess go? I’m still a bit confused on what it is exactly to be honest.

Did you like it though?

Funny you should ask because let me tell ya- it did not go well.

Oh true? Go on.

At first it was alright. I mean, I wasn’t a fan of the taste at first and then I got used to it. We stayed for about two hours, went through two cups each, felt really jazzed during our talks, etc. It wasn’t until we left that things went downhill. My stomach began to feel weird. On one hand I felt a bit drowsy, but at the same time my heart was racing and my hands were even shaking a bit. We ended up having to pull over less than a block from my place just so I could vomit.

I’m sorry. What?!

I’m serious. My hands were shaking as I washed my face and everything. Standing or moving around was horrible…Eventually we got food and water in us and fell asleep, but it was a journey and a half. Let me tell ya.

Okay. Hold up. Is any of that normal?

Uh, according to my friend- no. They said they’ve had it at two other locations several times and it’s always been a breeze. Earlier today they text me saying they think the place gave us bad quality, so they’re going to call them.

Woah…so that’s why you look like crap today?

HA! Maybe, but I’ve also had a migraine all day, so who knows what’s from what.

Yackety-Yak: Supporting Role

Sometimes I think I’m an asshole.

I mean, if you’re asking then the answer is yes. Everyone is an asshole sometimes.

Maybe, but this situation is different.

Oh? Do tell.

…Do you ever feel like you aren’t the main character in your story?

Um…I might need you to explain that a little more.

Okay, so it’s like this this: I feel like I’m a supporting character in my own story. My stuff tends to sit on the back burner for someone else’s to take the forefront.

And is this for everyone…?

Mainly one person, I guess.

Okay…So you’re prioritizing another person above yourself? Because that’s normal in variations.

Um- yes and no. It’s like I consider their events more important…than mine? And I feel compelled to do what I can to help because I care for them, but then after the fact it’s like I’m just the remainder.

Ah. You’re consumed, basically.

I guess so? I just feel like I can cover my base stuff usually pretty easily and I want to be there for them.

Sounds to me like you know you can cover your base responsibilities with a certain level of effort and then you’re putting the rest into this other person-

But those base responsibilities don’t really require a lot in my opinion.

It doesn’t matter. If you’re letting all of your excess effort go into another person then you are a supporting character in your own life. It’s one thing to care for someone, but it’s an entirely different thing if it’s to your detriment. I mean, is this even being returned?

I’d say sporadically…?

There’s a good chance it’s because they’re treating themselves like the main character in their lives OR are at least prioritizing themselves above you- neither of which are bad things. Everyone has to prioritize themselves at varying rates for their situation and that includes you as well as me.

But-

Listen, I’m not saying to cut them out of your lives or something drastic here. All I’m saying is to maybe be less consumed with this person and focus more on yourself. Imagine what you could do if you took even forty percent of that effort and applied it to you or even other people?

Yeah, but whenever I start to go down that general line of thinking I start to feel like an asshole; as if it implies I’m keeping score or not doing things genuinely.

…Do you think this has anything to do with your friend’s death three years ago?

Yackety-Yak: Self-Criticism

Do you ever look at a conversation you’ve had and thought: ‘wow, I’m really letting them down‘?

Sure? It this a new thing for you?

I guess not? I mean, we’ve all had moments where we overthink something we’ve said and try to dissect all the possible ways it could of been interpreted. I’ve just been torn lately between wanting to talk to/be there for others as opposed to just hanging alone.

And how does this link back to your question…?

Because I-….I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I think my value as a friend is at risk? As if I might fall to the wayside and when the tide of pandemic finally washes out, I’ll be washed away too?

…Right…so you’ve become hyper-aware of your conversations and are worried you might disappoint.

Pretty much sums it up.

Well I think you need to take a deep breath and relax. Look, everyone is going through varying degrees of stress. You can’t please everyone you care about without driving yourself insane- especially if you’re focusing on it. This is a time where you’ve got to do what you need to do; and if you have people keeping score in your corner, then it might be time to clear out the corner.

And then I’ll feel like a selfish bitch because they could easily of been venting their stress and that’s just how it came out. Or what if I’m the one keeping score? Then what?

…Wow.

What?

I’ll admit you have a point there. And to be fair we’re all guilty of dipping into either side of the pool- I know I certainly am.

So did I win this one?

I don’t think you can win a question, but regardless I’m going to say no. You still need to take a deep breath and relax. Maybe stop putting so much weight on every little interaction and just let yourself be more present? Our friendships are supposed to be an outlet and with the way you’re going; it’s definitely going to become one way flow instead of a circulation.

I don’t know if that analogy actually makes sense.

Doesn’t matter because you still got the message.

Yackety Yak: Dramatic

What is something you think you’re dramatic about?

Dramatic on the inside? Or do you mean outwardly dramatic?

Well now obviously both.

Okay. So inside my mind I’d have to say texting and outwardly…going to the gym, I guess.

Why texting?

Oh that’s easy. I don’t like how we’re in a stage where it’s assumed we’re always available. It’s like always being on call and then I feel pressure to respond right away out of this mix of social obligation and fear they might get upset or it might be important. THEN there’s the flip side where if certain people don’t respond after an arbitrary time period or I don’t hear from them for a while- I go down this thought process of “they must not like me anymore because I’m a garbage person“.

…Well…that was…a lot.

Saying it out loud felt nice though.

Yeah?

Yeah, I guess it’s the idea of saying something out loud and seeing if I agree with myself.

I guess I can relate to that, but I try to stay in the mindset of; “I know everyone has things going on and no one is beholden or always has to answer me“. People will get to me when they can or want to OR they might forget or choose to ignore me. Regardless though I just have to keep doing my thing.

That seems kind of melodramatic, but I was dramatic so I get it.

I think the real thing boils down to the friends or people you feel insecure with. You said it yourself; it’s with ‘certain’ people.

True…Do you have anyone like that?

I think we all kind of do whether we want to admit it or not.

Yackety Yak: New Year’s Resolutions

How do you feel about New Year’s resolutions? 

Am I…supposed to have feelings about it? I mean, I think they’re fine. 

You don’t think the ‘new year- new me’ trope is kind of overplayed? 

Not really. We’re raised to quantify everything from days to weeks to months, so when the clocks hit midnight on New Years it’s like the literal and metaphorical reset. Now personally, I’m more in the camp of: if you want to change something you shouldn’t put it off for some symbolic date. You should do it when it’s best for you and usually that isn’t January first. 

So you do think it’s overplayed…?

No, no, no. I’m saying I lean more towards a different camp nowadays, but I still fully support the new year’s resolution camp. The New Year equals fresh beginnings and I completely get it. 

Have you ever completed any New Year’s resolutions?   

Um…I think this is the first time I’ve started something shortly after the new year and have been able to keep it up. BUT, a large part of that is because I have an ‘accountabilibuddy ’ who I exercise and meal prep with. 

Interesting. Most people I know usually try to tackle it alone. 

And that works for some people, but not with me- at least when it comes to fitness and health. I also have a checklist of things I want to do this year, but they don’t require habits to form or anything like that. 

And you included those in your resolution’s list? 

Of course. Don’t you? 

No, but I think I’m going to start.

Awesome. Just maybe put it on your phone and try not to overthink it too much.  

Yackety-Yak: Dreams ii

I had a dream where my teeth were falling out.

…WHAAT? I thought that was just something people used as a dramatic example. You actually had that dream?

Yep and it was wild. It started with pain in my jaw, then I could feel how loose some of my teeth were. Next thing I know I’m taking teeth out with minimal effort because I’m scared I might choke.

Go on…

Some of my teeth weren’t even coming out in one piece. For some only the top half came out or even less. I could feel blood pooling in my mouth, my cheeks were puffed…Then I eventually woke up waiting for a dentist I know in real life to help me.

I’m going to be honest with you: that’s terrifying.

Is it weird I didn’t think that?

One hundred percent. So what did you think?

I was just glad I woke up, I guess. I also got really curious about what those dreams mean.

Did you look it up?

Yeah, but the answers were all over the place. It could mean anything from saying something I regret; needing a nudge for me to say something; having to make a major decision soon; having trouble sharing my thoughts; stress; a fear of aging; insecurity; grinding my teeth-

So basically anything.

Hahaha, more or less.

Well, all I’m going to say is I better not have a similar dream now that you’ve told me because I’ll be paranoid for days. And I mean it.

I make no promises.

…I’ve never felt more pressure to go to the dentist.

Agree.