Quarantine Revelations:Toxicity

With the way things are right now I don’t really see a point in talking about my personal day to day. I mean, plenty of us are experiencing variations of the same thing, so what more can I possibly add. Right?

For instance, in my case there are only three important (if we can even call them that) points: I was put on a ‘work from home’ order two week ago after returning from Washington state; with budget cuts I’m now working part time; everyone will be moving out of my home in a few weeks.

See my point? None of that is very worth noting aside from my privilege/luck of having a boss who fought and succeeded in keeping me employed (thank you *****!).


With all that out of the way I wanted to talk about something I’ve come to realize in these times of deep “self reflection” or what I like to call: I now have no distraction from self reflection and over thinking. So, what is this thing I’ve discovered about myself? Well, I’m pretty sure I’m a toxic friend and it’s put me in a position where I think maybe all this social distancing would do me good in kind of stepping away from things and out of tropes…if that makes sense?

I guess given all the added stress on everyone right now I’d rather not add unnecessary fuel to the fire.

If you’re wondering how I know I’m a toxic friend; such as if I was told in some way or snooped or something… I suppose the answer is no. It’s more: I was having a conversation with a friend about an issue we had and certain verbiage they used kind of struck a cord in me. Think of a light bulb moment, but instead of discovering Shirokuma Cafe you get hit with a wave of ‘I really must be trash‘ & ‘I’m surprised they haven’t chucked me‘.


On a completely unrelated note I was told I may or may not be adjusting well to quarantine and lack of human contact. Do I agree with this? No idea. I’ve been viewing it as a lesser issue in the grand scheme of everything happening right now. Is this the best stance to take? Who knows.

Anyway, this was my attempt at articulating my current thoughts and feelings in a way which hopefully made sense. I went back and forth on how to possibly close out the post for a while, but I think I’m going to have to just end it here.

Yackety Yak: Dramatic

What is something you think you’re dramatic about?

Dramatic on the inside? Or do you mean outwardly dramatic?

Well now obviously both.

Okay. So inside my mind I’d have to say texting and outwardly…going to the gym, I guess.

Why texting?

Oh that’s easy. I don’t like how we’re in a stage where it’s assumed we’re always available. It’s like always being on call and then I feel pressure to respond right away out of this mix of social obligation and fear they might get upset or it might be important. THEN there’s the flip side where if certain people don’t respond after an arbitrary time period or I don’t hear from them for a while- I go down this thought process of “they must not like me anymore because I’m a garbage person”.

…Well…that was…a lot.

Saying it out loud felt nice though.

Yeah?

Yeah, I guess it’s the idea of saying something out loud and seeing if I agree with myself.

I guess I can relate to that, but I try to stay in the mindset of; “I know everyone has things going on and no one is beholden or always has to answer to me”. People will get to me when they can or want to OR they might forget or choose to ignore me. Regardless though I just have to keep doing my thing.

That seems kind of melodramatic, but I was dramatic so I get it.

I think the real thing boils down to the friends or people you feel insecure with. You said it yourself; it’s with ‘certain’ people.

True…Do you have anyone like that?

I think we all kind of do whether we want to admit it or not.

Dragon Con!!!

It’s official people! As of last week I’m going to be experiencing Dragon Con for the first time!

I’d definitely heard about this convention before, but…I guess I took the name literally and just assumed it was a “dragon convention”. Don’t know what that means? Don’t worry because no one else did either! So in my mind I was picturing scale armor and everything related to dragons be it shows, movies, books, comics, games, etc.

Turns out I was partially right since it has those things, but I also missed the bar because it pretty much has everything. I didn’t realize this until I met my partner who goes every year and summed it up as, “five days of nonstop convention and partying“. I’m not going to front as if I’m a big partier, but the idea of going to largest convention in my region for five days… Let’s just say it’s time to get these cosplays ready!

So far I’ve decided on Shego (just ordered the wig), Princess Kida (the costume is in process), Miles Morales (my partner gave me the site they use for full body suits), and my favorite of Dracula’s brides (gotta save one as a secret).

I know the convention is a little under seven months away, but I’m so excited! I’m definitely planning on taking pictures and possibly a video…well we’ll have to see about the video, but why not?

Photo by eniko kis on Unsplash

Yackety Yak: New Year’s Resolutions

How do you feel about New Year’s resolutions? 

Am I…supposed to have feelings about it? I mean, I think they’re fine. 

You don’t think the ‘new year- new me’ trope is kind of overplayed? 

Not really. We’re raised to quantify everything from days to weeks to months, so when the clocks hit midnight on New Years it’s like the literal and metaphorical reset. Now personally, I’m more in the camp of: if you want to change something you shouldn’t put it off for some symbolic date. You should do it when it’s best for you and usually that isn’t January first. 

So you do think it’s overplayed…?

No, no, no. I’m saying I lean more towards a different camp nowadays, but I still fully support the new year’s resolution camp. The New Year equals fresh beginnings and I completely get it. 

Have you ever completed any New Year’s resolutions?   

Um…I think this is the first time I’ve started something shortly after the new year and have been able to keep it up. BUT, a large part of that is because I have an ‘accountabilibuddy ’ who I exercise and meal prep with. 

Interesting. Most people I know usually try to tackle it alone. 

And that works for some people, but not with me- at least when it comes to fitness and health. I  also have a checklist of things I want to do this year, but they don’t require habits to form or anything like that. 

And you included those in your resolution’s list? 

Of course. Don’t you? 

No, but I think I’m going to start.

Awesome. Just maybe put it on your phone and try not to overthink it too much.  

Yackety-Yak: Dreams ii

I had a dream where my teeth were falling out.

…WHAAT? I thought that was just something people used as a dramatic example. You actually had that dream?

Yep and it was wild. It started with pain in my jaw, then I could feel how loose some of my teeth were. Next thing I know I’m taking teeth out with minimal effort because I’m scared I might choke.

Go on…

Some of my teeth weren’t even coming out in one piece. For some only the top half came out or even less. I could feel blood pooling in my mouth, my cheeks were puffed…Then I eventually woke up waiting for a dentist I know in real life to help me.

I’m going to be honest with you: that’s terrifying.

Is it weird I didn’t think that?

One hundred percent. So what did you think?

I was just glad I woke up, I guess. I also got really curious about what those dreams mean.

Did you look it up?

Yeah, but the answers were all over the place. It could mean anything from saying something I regret; needing a nudge for me to say something; having to make a major decision soon; having trouble sharing my thoughts; stress; a fear of aging; insecurity; grinding my teeth-

So basically anything.

Hahaha; more or less.

Well, all I’m going to say is I better not have a similar dream now that you’ve told me because I’ll be paranoid for days. And I mean it.

I make no promises.

…I’ve never felt more pressure to go to the dentist.

Agree.

Disagreements

It’s very rare my mom and I have a disagreement. Maybe once every one to three years we have a blow out, then after a few days we reconcile. Since our last blow out; at least two years ago now, I made an effort to not bottle things up and effectively voice my opinions with her without freaking out- specifically if she threw out the tried and true “you’re too sensitive” comment or some variation of it.

Now putting aside the dismissive everything about that phrase and how it makes me go from 15 to 70…I’ll get back on track.

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