sleepless nights

Tonight is the second night I’ve cried instead of slept. It’s becoming this cycle where I can be happy with my friends, at work, and even at school- but once I’m home I just…can’t keep it up. My mom even made a comment earlier tonight about how I seemed irritated and my response was just, “I always seem irritated.”

Where it stems from is something I know people will call trivial. After all, I graduate college in spring, have a roof over my head, a car, two loving parents, friends, a very spoiled cat, two dogs…there shouldn’t be any complaints. I should be happy all the time, right? If I’m not I’m suddenly this ungrateful spoiled brat, right?

It’s funny to say out loud, but I honestly wonder if I’m sinking into depression. The suicidal thoughts have been hiding just below the surface since 2015 when I was first assaulted. Since then it’s been like a wave with highs a lows and just when I think the high is permanent- it crashes back down just like a true wave.

I prefer to keep things to myself. I find it better that way and I don’t mean to be selfish when it comes to that. I like to give off the idea that I have it together most of the time or more aptly put: “cannot be sunk”. The truth is that everyone can sink and it’s just a part of life. Still, I do my damnedest in part because I don’t want to be a sob story and because I like being the rock for those I care about…and when you’re the rock you have to keep standing no matter what.

Anyway, it’s almost been two years since the incident and I feel like I’ve gone backwards instead of forewords. Part of it was expected after the second assault over the summer, but I guess I hoped I was stronger than I am. My decisions in my personal life are becoming more rash and I can see it even as I make them. It’s all an attempt to try and prove to myself I’m not “damaged goods” through a guy who’s honestly probably tired of my shit by now.

The truth is I can’t try to use someone else to pull myself out of that mindset because at the end of the day I see myself as damaged no matter what. There was a time I would put on makeup to try and hide my flaws, but also as a sort of mask between myself and the world. Nowadays I don’t even do that because that would require looking in the mirror. 

O.P. 28 September 2017

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