Yackety-Yak: Supporting Role

Sometimes I think I’m an asshole.

I mean, if you’re asking then the answer is yes. Everyone is an asshole sometimes.

Maybe, but this situation is different.

Oh? Do tell.

…Do you ever feel like you aren’t the main character in your story?

Um…I might need you to explain that a little more.

Okay, so it’s like this this: I feel like I’m a supporting character in my own story. My stuff tends to sit on the back burner for someone else’s to take the forefront.

And is this for everyone…?

Mainly one person, I guess.

Okay…So you’re prioritizing another person above yourself? Because that’s normal in variations.

Um- yes and no. It’s like I consider their events more important…than mine? And I feel compelled to do what I can to help because I care for them, but then after the fact it’s like I’m just the remainder.

Ah. You’re consumed, basically.

I guess so? I just feel like I can cover my base stuff usually pretty easily and I want to be there for them.

Sounds to me like you know you can cover your base responsibilities with a certain level of effort and then you’re putting the rest into this other person-

But those base responsibilities don’t really require a lot in my opinion.

It doesn’t matter. If you’re letting all of your excess effort go into another person then you are a supporting character in your own life. It’s one thing to care for someone, but it’s an entirely different thing if it’s to your detriment. I mean, is this even being returned?

I’d say sporadically…?

There’s a good chance it’s because they’re treating themselves like the main character in their lives OR are at least prioritizing themselves above you- neither of which are bad things. Everyone has to prioritize themselves at varying rates for their situation and that includes you as well as me.

But-

Listen, I’m not saying to cut them out of your lives or something drastic here. All I’m saying is to maybe be less consumed with this person and focus more on yourself. Imagine what you could do if you took even forty percent of that effort and applied it to you or even other people?

Yeah, but whenever I start to go down that general line of thinking I start to feel like an asshole; as if it implies I’m keeping score or not doing things genuinely.

…Do you think this has anything to do with your friend’s death three years ago?

Perpetual Bridesmaid

I have a problem where I get overly invested in people (particularly men), then I end up coming on too strong or just messing up in general which leaves me right where I started: a perpetual bridesmaid.

Now ‘Perpetual Bridesmaid’ is a title I’ve sort of given myself lately. When I first started using it, it was a way to make light of my mounting insecurities in the dating realm. My attempt at self-deprecating humor, ladies and gents. I know I already tapped into physical insecurities in a prior post, so I’m going to bypass straight into personality flaws (hooray).

I don’t know if it’s just me, but sometimes I catch myself trying to be ‘perfect’ when I’m with someone. Should I be doing that? Of course, not. It just screams Bad News Bears. Still, I catch myself falling into the habit. I guess the truth is:

I don’t think I can attract a man on anything besides looks and with that in mind it’s easier to just try and mold myself a bit to their preferences… 

YES, I KNOW IT’S BAD. I’M GETTING TO THE BETTER PART. RELAX. 

Anyway, instead of using this title to playfully hide my fears, now it’s not even something I say anymore. It’s simply just a thought. A thought that peps me up and it made the jump in the blink of an eye.

I was commuting home from work and passed at least five adorable couples who looked like they’d been ripped right off the silver screen. I immediately had two lines of thought: 

“Awe, I wish I had something like that…Too bad I’m doomed to be perpetually single…” & “I wonder how many bridesmaids dresses I can collect? 27 is the number to beat.” 

Just like that it felt as if the dark cloud so casually perched above me faded away.

Side note: I’d been starting to feel down because I felt the guy I was beginning to have feelings for had decided I wasn’t worth it anymore.  

With the cloud gone; however, I suddenly didn’t have any negative thoughts weighing on me about my status. Would he decide I’m not worth it? Maybe. Will I never get married? Maybe. Do bridesmaids always have the funniest tag lines in the movies? Yep. 

O.P 22 July 2017

Insecurities? Eh…70/30

I think it’s safe to say no one is 100% satisfied with themselves.

This isn’t to say there aren’t people who are happy with their appearance or behavior, but it’s our curse to unnecessarily scrutinize every little potential fault. Whether we come to love our flaws is a case by case basis and everyone has something they fixate on.

For me it’s everything above my neck- save my eyes.

I’ve had bad skin for as long as I can remember and I’ve tried just about everything I can to temper it. Some months are better than others and every time I think I’ve FINALLY cracked the code, my skin just goes: HA! That was cute! Havin’ a laugh?

Thus the battle rages on as I continue to try and figure out how to manage my ghastly skin. Truthfully I’m aware I’ll never have perfect, glowing skin. My skin tone is particularly susceptible to scarring and discoloration- something I never really noticed until my skin started to clear. I always held the idea I would be happy once my acne cleared and I still do. Scarring and discoloration can fade with time and given how obsessed I am with beauty products, it gives me the perfect excuse to pamper myself! [not that I needed one] Still, there’s always the chance I’ll become obsessed with clearing my dark marks, but I really hope it doesn’t reach the level of insecurity I have with acne. Confidence is something I love to see in others and it can definitely be said I’m more of a “do as I say” versus “do as I do” person when it comes to it- although I have noticed that turning around.

I used to be the person who was confident in front of people I knew in an attempt to pave the way for them to be more confident. I think there’s something to “faking it ‘till you make it” because it definitely did help create my base level of confidence. A base that’s since grown as I’ve grown. I still have insecurities obviously, but at the end of the day we’ve got what we’ve got. Do I think I have a pretty face? Not really. Other people do though and whether they’re just saying it to be nice or not…that’s fine. There’s always someone who’s going to be drawn to things you don’t see as good about yourself- whether it’s for the right reasons is a conversation for another day.

Anyway, this went off course and now I don’t know how to finish it.

O.P. 21 July 2017