This is a re-post from a blog I had three years ago.
I was a bit torn on whether I wanted to post it or not, but it’s been a year to the day and it’s a time for reflection.
Yesterday I received a phone call from my best friend’s father informing me there had been an incident. I’m not comfortable talking about the details, but suffice it to say she’s gone. The only person I’ve ever truly opened up to- the only person who ever truly opened to me…is gone…and I wasn’t there.
For the first time in my life I broke down and completely lost it. Every ounce of self control I’d cultivated over the years went straight out the window.
I find myself thinking back to our last conversation a lot. We spoke about several things; mainly about where we were at in our lives, the random plans we had as well as the silly things we were in to. When I look back I can pick out the little things she said linked to her passing, but that’s the curse of hindsight bias I suppose… She always made decisions I may not have chosen myself, but I never judged her for them. I would get stressed out, but I understood it was her life and while I always voiced my concerns…once I’d said my piece and she acknowledged it- that was it. She did the same for me and we always respected one another even when we drove each other crazy.
I’ve come to realize how much I isolated myself- particularly in other friendships; because I had her and without her it’s truly lonely. We talked about how we were both in the habit of being reserved and how while when we were younger it may have been the preferred method- it just wasn’t the case anymore. I’m tired of being bitter and holding on to negative emotions just like I’m tired of being an “unemotional rock”. I want to be able to actually open up to people and not be so restrained all the time. She agreed as we’d gotten older we’d become ’softer’, but it wasn’t a bad thing. We changed so much in the the time we knew each other and there was never a moment I ever regretted with her.
Our favorite movie was “Never Let Me Go” and after re-watching it I’ve realized how fitting it is. The film touched us both in very different ways. For her it touched on a sense of purpose while for me it was the first to ever aid me in coping with my biggest fear: death.
I couldn’t help but cry as I watched it for the first time in years and couldn’t help but wonder when she’d last watched it.
There will be no funeral service and no burial. No formal goodbyes. All I’ll ever have is our last phone call and in a way I think that’s how Anastasiya would of preferred it.
After all, we all complete.
O.P. 25 April 2018
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