Birthday Pick Up Lines

Two Fridays ago was the birthday of one of my best friends who shall remain nameless, but for this story we’ll call him…Will. Okay, so Will was turning 22 and wanted a bunch of us to go to a happening gay club about thirty minutes south. Of course we were all pumped to go- especially me since I’d always been working when they went like the workaholic I pretend not to be!

There was some drama that night, but I want to focus on one particular experience: Someone tried to pick me up and his opener was- and i’m not kidding here: “I’d lick your asshole. I’d lick your asshole all day, every day.”

That’s right ladies and gentlemen! That was the OPENER!

He also added in how he would do the same for one of my friends who we shall name Carolyn (I’m a whiz with these name changes if you can’t tell). Will immediately jumped in with how, “We take people on dates and get to know them”. The guy; who’s name I never got, said we were all young and just needed to, “Wrap it and have some fun”. Will was not convinced and bore into the guy about how we have manners and get to know people and properly court them until the guy eventually went away.

Then all was well and we went on with our night…or so I thought.

Maybe two hours later he reappeared when I was sitting at a booth and immediately went back into the, “Let’s wrap it and have some fun”. My response was: “No thank you”, but our man was completely undeterred and went into his life story. I’ll give you the highlights:

-He has a girlfriend of six years named…Dandelion

-They go to church together

– He normally gets off work really late at night, so she drives the car over and sleeps for the last hour waiting for him

-He’s cheated on her before in the bathroom of a club (not the one we were in)

-He feels bad that he cheated, but won’t tell her because it will break her heart

-He knows she will never leave him though


The amount of questions this situation leaves me with are…insurmountable. Who chooses that as their opener? Who’s that confident in themselves? Who’s that honest about their situation and totally fine with it? Where do you find the time to cheat in the bathroom of a club (because our man meant sex, not a make out session)?

Suffice it to say, it was wild and will forever be an ice breaker of mine to tell at future parties.

O.P. 9 December 2017

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