The other night I had a conversation with my mom about the future and relationships. What kicked it off was me asking what she thought of my boyfriend. Her response was along the lines of : if he’s in the same spot six months from now then he’ll just be another chapter in your life.
A bit harsh, right?
My mom is very adamant about living the life you want- specifically standard of living and desire to travel. She’s worked extremely hard to achieve what she has and wants my potential life partner (we’re both not sold on marriage) to have goals that align with mine. In short: she’s against carrying someone through life unless it’s your children; and even then there’s an expiration date.
I don’t necessarily disagree with her because we both have the unfortunate habit of spending money on the people we want in our lives. In fact, it’s because I still live with her that I was able to begin cutting down on it so early in life.
Never underestimate the power of watching your habits in real time with a glimpse into the future- it starts making you look at your relationships a LOT more objectively a LOT faster.
Anyway, it’s weird because I’m entering that phase in life where older relatives are starting to look at the people I date in terms of longevity. Will they make a good husband/life partner? Are they financially stable? Do they have their shit together? Will they make a good addition to the family? Meanwhile the farthest my mind goes is the possibility of vacationing together and moving in. Anything in the sphere of marriage/life partners/etc. isn’t even on my radar. Financial stability is, but not in the sense of “will they be able to take care of me?“. Instead it’s more like, “will they be able to go with me places and support themselves?” a.k.a. “can they pay to come on the trip or would I need to pay for them?“.
Part of me wonders if I should start looking at it all more seriously, but then I have to remind myself that age aside I don’t need to be so focused on that level of a relationship. Right now I’m more focused on my personal goals and the way I see it; either the person I’m with and I will naturally (or consciously) make the decision to go in the same direction OR we’ll naturally/consciously split off.
I mean, I don’t even want a house. I’m indifferent to marriage. I don’t want kids…What a life partner would mean to me probably varies considerably from not only what those relatives of mine are thinking, but even a lot of my friends and that’s fine because it’s not their “hypothetical future relationship”.
Plus the family I see most often is generally pretty lax soooo: hooray for family that lets you do you even if they might not get it!
Sometimes I think about killing myself.
I’m sorry- WHAT?
Not in the sense that I can’t do it anymore, but just…you know when you’re driving on a bridge?
Sometimes I feel the urge to just drive off. Or to swerve into oncoming traffic. Things like that.
I think there’s a word for that.
I think there is too, but I can’t remember it…Do you ever get that though?
…I feel a lot less okay with you driving us now.
I’d never do it with someone else in the car. It’s definitely a solo thing.
…Now I feel a lot less okay with you driving by yourself, period.
This week I turned twenty-three. I know it’s not a super special year by most standards, but for me this was one I’d been looking forward to for a while.
Which is why I was surprised when someone had to remind me it was a day away!
Sometimes I wonder if there’s such a thing as being too dependable while also not being dependable enough.
As in; I used to try to be there for people in as big a way possible and then over time I began to pull back to focus more on myself, but now there are times when I feel like I’m leaving people out to dry.
Yeah. It’s weird because part of me thinks, “oh, we’re all becoming adults who handle our own affairs” and then another part of me thinks, “but by focusing more on myself does that mean i’m giving people the cold shoulder?”.
Is there a reason why you need to be so dependable?
I think…it may be because when it comes to interpersonal relationships I believe my value stems from either my sexuality or what I can give them.
Which explains why you made it rain on people…
Exactly. So now that I’m not spending money on people for no reason-
-Now you’re insecure.
…Maybe you should learn how to depend on others.
About a month or so ago I found out the university where I plan on getting my master’s degree lowered their tuition rates (
amazing, I know) and just like that I was ahead of schedule with my savings!
You see, the initial plan was to have all my tuition saved by July so I could spend my birthday month balling a little bit and then I’d start saving for housing in August.
A fair enough plan, right?
I was on track for greatness, keeping my nose to the grindstone and then suddenly there I was- end of May with the first stretch completed and then some. Basically the plan worked and with a stroke of luck I’d been gifted a potential two month break or I could get even further ahead on the second stretch.
Both are completely viable and logical options, but it’s taken me until NOW to actually consider them. The reason why? Mainly because I spent SO much money last month it was insane. I went to South Beach, redid my room (
i learned carpets are more expensive than i initially thought), went to two amusement parks, ordered lunches at work. I was…literally running around like June was my birthday month or something and ended up with maybe the second largest credit card bill I’d ever had?
Yesterday I saw all my pending transactions finally posted, so I paid it all of and when I tell you the relief (and pride) I felt when I saw that zero balance with morning…it’s pretty great.
I love being able to start the month with a clean slate!
BUT after five minutes of sending the payment I found out my office is going to be closed both Thursday (national holiday) and Friday. My first thoughts were: “but do we get paid for Friday too? how will this affect my savings plan? my budgets? am i still taking this month off or going to get back to saving?” Then I began to think about what I could possibly spend money on this month. At most it’d be my car, the convention this weekend, and maybe the specific night I plan to go out for my birthday. I really wanted to get faux locs for my birthday, but that’s definitely being shelved for maybe August or September at this point.
So as of now the plan is to save this month and get back on track because if I had the self discipline do it for twelve months then one month of spending isn’t about to sway me. At the very least I’ll save half of what I normally do in a month that way I have something going towards my vacation fund (I’m still aiming for those thirty days in Japan!).