Yackety-Yak: How Can You Tell?

How can you tell if someone actually loves you?

That’s tough…I guess it depends. With some people I don’t think you ever really know. You just have to have faith that they do.

Faith is dangerous. 

And so is love.

Have you ever loved someone? 

To love and to be in love are different things. 

How do you figure? 

When you love someone it’s like being on the shallow end of a pool where you know your parameters and it’s easy; in theory, to navigate.

Such as? 

Such as loving a family member or a friend or even a pet. You know where you start and the general rules are mapped out by social context. You may go to the deep end- sometimes abruptly, but you can always go back to the shallow end in most cases…if it’s healthy, at least. But when you’re in love you’re starting in the deep end and usually with no warning. One moment you’re on the edge of the pool and the next you’re completely submerged. The farther in love you fall; the further down you go and the only way out is with that ladder because the shallow end is nowhere in sight. Making your way back to the surface let alone trying to pull yourself out without slipping back under suddenly feels impossible compared to those steps at the shallow end. 

…So how do you know when someone’s “submerged” for you?

You can take their word for it, study their actions, and even take other people’s word for it…but that’s about it.

So you’ve been in love.  


Cranking it Out: Writing

I don’t know if anyone knows this, but like to roleplay. I currently have about…five going on with I.L. Knight and something amazing has happened: ALL MY REPLIES ARE DONE. That’s right. Who has replies to do? Not me because they’ve been written, posted, and received by my partner in crime. The best part is; I sent it off this morning so now I’m in easy breezy land for at least tonight (because she works the night shift)!

And if you’re thinking: “But what about those personal projects that you’ve only posted one installment on?“, then I regret to inform you that I think we have a bad connection because I didn’t catch that. 

It’s really weird though because now all I can do is wait and there isn’t much I can do to distract myself– except looking at my own stuff of course.

But honestly…what about my stuff?

I mean, I got through all the first installments because I wanted to give myself a base to come back to when I inevitably lost my muse/confidence. I’m very happy with my past self for knowing my future self so well, but…I’m still hesitant. I think I’ve gotten very comfortable in the rp format and the idea of writing something all by myself is a bit daunting, maybe? It’s like: what if I miss something or don’t set something up properly? what if I’m assuming too much? what if my writing is flat without something else to balance off of? what if? what if? what if?  

So many questions and really only two outcomes: either I continue with the projects or I don’t. Do I want to continue the projects? Yes, so I will. 

Since it’s a slow day at work maybe I’ll read through my first installments and see what comes to me because I don’t know about you, but for reason I can really crank it out when I’m at work (after finishing my duties of course)! 

Artist: oshtu

Time for a Reset

Sometimes you just need a hard reset.

The reasons for it and ways we go about it vary tremendously, but I decided to start with things I do and experience daily which meant: my bedroom. Now I’ve rearranged/cleaned out my room probably every 3-4 months to keep things fresh for ages. I’m talking to the point where my family wasn’t even surprised when they’d catch me in the act anymore- they were just curious to see how I’d do it differently. And this worked up until I ran out of ways to position everything. Since high school I never really bothered buying new things or redecorating because I was always looking ahead to when I planned on moving out, but after rescinding my E.P.I.K. application and realizing I was going to be home for another year…I knew I needed to make some changes.

SO I got rid of my couch, chair, mirrors, and carpet. I bought a shelf unit, full length mirror, carpet, and wallpaper. I moved my dresser into the closet to open up the space and got my family to help hang everything up.

I knew I’d done well at really switching things up too when my mom was visibly shocked (and even a little impressed) at the almost final product. Did she tell me I needed to get a new bed set to tie the room together? Of course she did, but hey- she’s right and come next month I should have it.

With phase one done I can now successfully move to the next which is…*drum roll*…exercise. I’ve tried doing this in the past and have always lacked follow through for several reasons. One is I have a thing about working out where people can see me which is part of the reason why I opened up my room in the first place. So now it’s like: You don’t want to work out in public? Now you have a private place to do it plus a full mirror to check your form. You’re too tired after work and don’t want to? You can look at the bed as motivation while you get it done. You can’t remember the exercises and can’t ask someone? Google it, bitch. No one to talk to? Put on a podcast.

So in the past, phase three would be all about skin care, but I’m honestly pretty content right now. This isn’t to say my skin is perfect or anything because that would be insane. What it does mean though is my skin is on the right track, I’m seeing results, and instead of stressing I’d rather just keep up with my routine. What’s phase three then?

Pole dancing. That’s right. I know what you’re thinking: but didn’t you just say you don’t like working out in public? Why yes. Yes I did. BUT pole dancing classes are normally closed AND it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. To be honest this entire phase is really just about getting out there and trying things I’ve talked or thought about because I’m done putting it off. Especially when it’s something I can easily manage to do, but I’ve just been lazy/nervous.

Phase four: friends and relationships. Now I don’t want to give the impression I’m about to do a major clean sweep or something because nothing severe has happened. This has more to do with me putting more effort into my family and being more open with my friends in general. I guess in a way maybe this one is more about me being more authentic to myself?…Well that’s always a work in progress.

All in all phase one is one complete; exercising in my room starts this week; pole dancing starts next month; and friends/relationships has already been happening. At first I didn’t want to make a post about it because I didn’t want to jinx myself, but then I thought- why not? The only thing that can jinx me is myself and things are going pretty well. I’ve honestly been feeling a lot less down since I started making moves again and it feels good.

I just realized I saved all the physical stuff for last and I’m not even surprised.

Artist: oshtu

Dating: Getting Back on the Horse

Gonna take my horse down the old town road!

DISCLAIMER: For anyone who managed to get that song out of their head…I apologize, but the second I said horse I couldn’t help myself!

Anyway, that’s honestly one of my favorite sayings because; and I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this- I’ve never ridden a horse. In fact, I think my first time even interacting with a horse was two weeks ago when I surprised my mom with horse riding lessons. And even then the most I did was hold the reigns while the instructor went to grab something. 

But back to dating.

As of last Tuesday-ish I rejoined dating apps in an attempt to get myself out of the house and back in the game. I joined two: Hinge and Tinder. 

Hinge is like a mix between a serious dating site and Tinder in my opinion. You select like six pictures, fill out information ranging from your height to political affiliation to whether you want/have kids (you decide what you want visible), and instead of filling out a bio you can select three questions (they offer a bunch) to answer. Oh and there’s no swiping. Instead you either like a specific aspect of someone’s profile (a picture or answer to a question) or hit the “message” button to let them know you like them. If you don’t like the profile you just hit the “x”. The interface is a lot more aesthetically pleasing in my opinion and the fact that you already have built in ice breakers is definitely appreciated.

Now I know I’ve just talked up Hinge a bunch with a full explanation and everything, so you’re probably thinking the app has been a breeze for me, yeah? Weeelp. Sorry to say, but that’s not the case. Tried and true Tinder is still what reaps the most results which in this case literally just means people reaching out after we match. 

But what about the creepy messages on Tinder? You may be asking.  

Honestly, I haven’t received crazy messages from Tinder in a long, long time and the only message I’ve received that I even think could tip in that direction would be the one message I’ve received from a match on Hinge. What was the message? Well, thanks for asking. The message was to let me know that we’d have sexy blasian kids. 

My initial thought was, “I need to make ‘does not want kids‘ visible on my profile.”

So far I’ve gone on one date from a match on Tinder and it was a JOUR-NEY. I’m talking: going to club with his friends, leaving early to take a sick person home, sending someone off to a booty call, going to another bar, and all the crazy conversations that could possibly (and did) happen at each stage. Was it wild? Most definitely, but it’s a night I won’t forget for a long time and being in so many situations really lets you see how flexible someone is. I mean, a dude start peeing next to us on a tree and began telling us jokes for the next hour before offering us cocaine (and by this time I was beyond sober).

It was one of those nights out where I was so glad I actually took up the invitation because the last time I’d gone out was on NEW YEAR’S. I got to dance, I got to eat checkers, I even saw one of my “kinda relatives” out in the wild! 

So long story short: I’m back in the dating ring, going with the flow and enjoying my time.