Complex Be Gone-ish!

After chatting with a friend the other day, I realized something: my “sexy” complex has faded away and I didn’t even notice.

You see, in the past I used to only see myself as the sexy one. I could never be cute or beautiful– just one who generally looked good in revealing clothes (face not included). This image probably started around eighth grade when I was leaving the “is that a girl?” stage until some point in university, I think.

And yes, someone said that about me when I was somewhere between second and fourth grade.

The sexy complex was definitely reinforced a million times over and it became both something I found myself leaning on and trapped by. If I was specifically going out I’d dress a certain way not necessarily because I liked it, but because I felt it was the only thing I could actually pull off. In high school I would fluctuate between caring and not caring about my appearance all the time, but the mentality never really changed. Part of me thinks I went back and forth so much maybe because I was rebelling/didn’t like that my body was my only selling point (but I’m no professional). My girlfriends would tease about how I was the sexy one or the exotic one meanwhile I found out most of my guy friends would have sex with me, but wouldn’t date me…Let’s just say high school wasn’t much of a dating period for me, haha.

As I got older it began even more cemented in how I viewed myself: the girl who was good for a short time but no one ever wanted to settle down with- maybe a lay or light dating, but never anything more. A concoction of failed relationship attempts, compliments focusing on the physical, friends sexualizing my friendships with men, and who knows what else left me in this weird state. I could accept my situation also being keenly aware my appeal didn’t climb above my neck.

Then something happened.

I still don’t know what or even when, but I feel completely fine now. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m actually living my life? I work, save money, visit family, plan shit…and in between all of that it’s just no longer relevant. If I want to wear something, I’ll wear it. If I want to be dorky and cute one day- I do it. If I want to be glamorous and sexy the next day- I do it. Instead of making lists of things I need to do to “manage” a certain image- I just do stuff and make plans to do things I actually want. It’s not about whether I’m the sexy one or the beautiful one or the cute one anymore. I just do what I want and if I’m in one bracket one day and a different one the next then that’s all well and good, but I’m still going to do me.

Am I completely void of complexes? No, that’d be insane. I definitely still don’t think I have the best face and get insecure/frustrated with my skin. BUT I keep going through the motions with skin care and keep it moving (I’m actually testing out a new product right now >_>). At the end of the day it’s the only face I’ll ever have (since surgery is not on the table), so I feel like I’m wasting my time dwelling on it when it’s not something I can change- skin care aside.

Is it just the face thing? Of course not, but I try to use the same mentality for some of the possibly deeper rooted things when it applies. It’s weird. For a while I felt like I was in this stagnant state of mind, but in the past week I’ve really been looking on the up and up.

It’s just not worth it at the end of the day. I’d rather just push through the insecurities and be my best, crazy, wild self. It definitely isn’t always pretty those first few times I force myself into something, but eventually I gain the confidence to not worry and do what I like…Maybe that’s how I got over the “sexy” complex in the first place and why I can’t remember when it happened?

Did this just come full circle?


Photo by Kira auf der Heide on Unsplash

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