Hey there! It’s J.J.H.W. also known as Outremusings and this will be my very first post on WordPress! *distant applause and cheers*
So what is this blog/website going to be about? That’s a great question and I…may or may not have a fleshed out answer to that.
You see, I have this habit where I’ll start something with all the prep work fleshed out and then a day comes where I just decide to scrap it all. At this point I must’ve gone through the cycle at least five times when it comes to blogs and I can’t even count how many times with other projects.
Now I know what you may be thinking; “If you know you have that habit then what’s the point of this?” And if it had been a year ago I would of completely agreed with you, BUT I gave myself the personal challenge of keeping a blog for a full year last aaaand I was successful!
The blog was a part of Tumblr and while I love Tumblr…I’m also very much aware of the limitations (
some of which probably have to do with my minimal coding abilities) and I felt it was time to try something new. I mean, I want to start a podcast, I want to be able to get funky with my post structure, I want to be able to keep things going and it doesn’t mean I’m deleting my Tumblr by any means. I’ll just be posting on it a LOT less.
So if I somehow didn’t bore you to pieces with all that, then I invite you to strap on in! (unless I haven’t posted anything else yet, in which case…carry on)
“What if when we dream we’re stepping into another version of ourselves?”
“Like in another dimension or something?”
“Yes! Exactly that.”
“Then…that would be terrifying.”
“Because in my dream last night; I witnessed an act of terrorism.”
I don’t like these new paper straws.
Because when I chew on it I end up tearing it.
So don’t chew on it?
But it’s my thing. I always chew on straws.
It’s really not that deep.
You say that now, but just wait until your straw dissolves.
…It already dissolved. Didn’t it?
It’s still not that deep.
The other night I had a conversation with my mom about the future and relationships. What kicked it off was me asking what she thought of my boyfriend. Her response was along the lines of : if he’s in the same spot six months from now then he’ll just be another chapter in your life.
A bit harsh, right?
My mom is very adamant about living the life you want- specifically standard of living and desire to travel. She’s worked extremely hard to achieve what she has and wants my potential life partner (we’re both not sold on marriage) to have goals that align with mine. In short: she’s against carrying someone through life unless it’s your children; and even then there’s an expiration date.
I don’t necessarily disagree with her because we both have the unfortunate habit of spending money on the people we want in our lives. In fact, it’s because I still live with her that I was able to begin cutting down on it so early in life.
Never underestimate the power of watching your habits in real time with a glimpse into the future- it starts making you look at your relationships a LOT more objectively a LOT faster.
Anyway, it’s weird because I’m entering that phase in life where older relatives are starting to look at the people I date in terms of longevity. Will they make a good husband/life partner? Are they financially stable? Do they have their shit together? Will they make a good addition to the family? Meanwhile the farthest my mind goes is the possibility of vacationing together and moving in. Anything in the sphere of marriage/life partners/etc isn’t even on my radar. Financial stability is. but not in the sense of “will they be able to take care of me?“. Instead it’s more like “will they be able to go with me places and support themselves?” a.k.a. “can they pay to come on the trip or would I need to pay for them?“.
Part of me wonders if I should start looking at it all more seriously, but then I have to remind myself that age aside I don’t need to be so focused on that level of a relationship. Right now I’m more focused on my personal goals and the way I see it; either the person I’m with and I will naturally (or consciously) make the decision to go in the same direction OR we’ll naturally/consciously split off.
I mean, I don’t even want a house. I’m indifferent to marriage. I don’t want kids…What a life partner would mean to me probably varies considerably from not only what those relatives of mine are thinking, but even a lot of my friends and that’s fine because it’s not their “hypothetical future relationship”.
Plus the family I see most often is generally pretty lax soooo: hooray for family that lets you do you even if they might not get it!
Sometimes I think about killing myself.
I’m sorry- WHAT?
Not in the sense that I can’t do it anymore, but just…you know when you’re driving on a bridge?
Sometimes I feel the urge to just drive off. Or to swerve into oncoming traffic. Things like that.
I think there’s a word for that.
I think there is too, but I can’t remember it…Do you ever get that though?
…I feel a lot less okay with you driving us now.
I’d never do it with someone else in the car. It’s definitely a solo thing.
…Now I feel a lot less okay with you driving by yourself, period.
This week I turned twenty-three. I know it’s not a super special year by most standards, but for me this was one I’d been looking forward to for a while.
Which is why I was surprised when someone had to remind me it was a day away!
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Sometimes I wonder if there’s such a thing as being too dependable while also not being dependable enough.
As in; I used to try to be there for people in as big a way possible and then over time I began to pull back to focus more on myself, but now there are times when I feel like I’m leaving people out to dry.
Yeah. It’s weird because part of me thinks, “oh, we’re all becoming adults who handle our own affairs” and then another part of me thinks, “but by focusing more on myself does that mean i’m giving people the cold shoulder?”.
Is there a reason why you need to be so dependable?
I think…it may be because when it comes to interpersonal relationships I believe my value stems from either my sexuality or what I can give them.
Which explains why you made it rain on people…
Exactly. So now that I’m not spending money on people for no reason-
-Now you’re insecure.
…Maybe you should learn how to depend on others.